Thursday, December 3, 2009

Wake up blog

This is so exciting. Do you ever feel like you just woke up from a very long sleep?
When you wake up its a new world. A new place. Suddenly, everything you once knew comes back to you like a wave. You are in a constant state of deja vu.

You feel utterly connected to yourself. Yourselffff.

Love yourself before you can love anyone else.

Do yourself the favor.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Fatty Omega

There arent very many places you can go when you dont know where you left off.
There are many places you can go when you start at the beginning.
There are many places you can go when you know where you left off.

Make what you will. If you can figure out the train on thought...

Saturday, October 31, 2009

less is more

Happy Halloween!
Be creative.
Be safe.
Be happy :)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

clear skies

imperitive that I write. Drink Coffee. and stay creative.

try to surround yourself with those that inspire and encourage you to reach your potential. Staying stagnant or forgetting what you love can be dangerous.

or do you only start to love something that you are always surrounded by? What is innate vs. what can grow inside you?

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Best of Times

The end of Summer is near. Im watching Nacho Libre at 9:45 am. Sad, but maybe interesting. This movie only makes me laugh because of the funny accents. Why would you care? I'm not sure. Isn't that what most blogs are these days? Random ramblings about the going ons of life? It's unclear...I just bit my tounge. Ouch. See? :p

The point is- I am writing for the sake of writing. I don't have much to say now only because I have limited my interactions with the world as of late. My life has consisted of brother, sisters, neices, nephews and my dad. [highlight - my dad]

We function as one. As it is in other cultures, such as hispanic for ex, we live breathe and move around eachother. All of our individual plans are influenced by the others. This can sometimes make life stressful. The only way to manage is to take it one day at a time.

The family structure as a group versus individual can pose problems when you are trying to be an individual. But how can one be truly an individual if you are influenced by your family? And how can you grow close to your family if you function solely on your own? I prefer the invasive interactions over the formality that might come with trying to isolate one self in becoming an "individual."

There aren't any people in the world that are as important as your family. Whether you like it or not- blood does make a difference.

The concept of family is subjective. Whom ever you consider family. Make sure to take care of them as they would you.

As much as Im not trying to be lame- I cant help but to think I sound utterly utterly cliche. Oh well. It is what it is. <---(horrible)

Its the truth.


Saturday, August 1, 2009

It will just Happen

Its the beginning of an end. The first of August. Nearing end of summer. The beginning of... ( try and complete the sentence. do it for yourself).

Everyday can be a new beginning. As cliche as it sounds- it is true. I find that once you make a decision, everything around you seems to revolve or contribute around that decision. In the cosmos, the world will favor you. Just have a positive outlook. Nothing is impossible.

This can be dangerous for stubborn people like me. I believe in this, therefore if something is not happening the way I want it to- I force it, and I end up getting hurt and dissapointed.

So I have decided to just let the earth work without trying to worry too much. Ultimately, I do not have the control. Lets learn to just let it be.

Friday, July 31, 2009


Im so bored and fed up.

The point to when you dont know what to do anymore - because no matter what you do the situation will always seem as if it will get worse. So you end up compromising some things, sacrificing, ignoring the danger that is right in front of your eyes... thinking that it might get better... if you just keep trying.

The ability to be able to look at the BIG picture.. not just the details- as important as they are in some situations, is something not everyone can do. Men in particular have a hard time talking or thinking about problems in the big scheme of life. They tend to look at the minor details. In the end you are the one that ends up looking crazy, and of course, they are innocent. Whether we like it or not- its a mans world.

If women were able to stick together as one force, and demand that we be treated as sacred and spiritual as we were meant to be- then men would rise to the occasion and treat their woman with the love and care they deserve.

But our society has desecrated women. Alas.

The big picture is that we should take a minute and deal with our demons. and not take it out on anyone else.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I have not had a headache this severe in a very long time. I am usually never sick. I take very good care of my health and try to live a balanced life.

This happens when my body goes "off". I'm set off, ticked off, fed up. Its time to completely take care of myself. I have lost myself... and im trying to come back.

I know my worth. I wont try and convince anybody of it. Taking care of ones self is so important. But when you try so hard to take care of those that you love, the balance becomes heavier on one side. Inevitably. Especially for us inherently caring women. Its in our nature.

Take some time to step outside of your own view today. Try and look out for those you love by loving them the way they need. Life is just too short.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Never in Moderation

Im feeling very jealous... Of myself.

I read my previpus posts and realized... where did this girl go? Where have I been? Has the wind taken me far enough that I have forgotten? Did I really write all that?

I have missed you of fellow bloggers. And I envy your dedication to your writing.
I have missed you. Time does have a way of sweeping you up- the difference is recognzing when and how and why. Upon coming back down- your perspective is always different. Isnt life so weird and beautiful at the same time?

I do love to write. It seems natural for me to write everyday without heistation. I feel as though once I stop writing- I stop have a lust for knowledge and the desire to learn becomes somehow less. I fail to notice the things that I would normally write about. I fail to notice the culture and life around me as I used to ..-- because writing is truly a vehicle of expressing that which you cannot put into everyday talk. I dont want to just become part of the mundane everyday existance but I thrive being on the outside looking in. What Im trying to say is- writing allows me look at the world in a different light. Because I know that later on, I can document it all.. put it in symbols and words that I wouldnt have usually come up with if I didnt have the anticipation to come home and write about it.

Okay thats enough writing about writing. You get my drift.

Months gone by, and again I sit here wondering how it all happened. Where am I going. Where is this world taking me. Is is really up to me to propel it? Or am I still waiting on some miracle to just fall in my lap?

Wake up calls all around me. I often feel I am in a constant daze. Maybe I am not drinking enough coffee.

Ill keep you posted.

Friday, June 26, 2009


Michael Jackson died today. I feel completely inspired, yet so sad.

This day is symbolic in so many ways, but just yet another reminder of how precious, valuable, and fragile life really is.

I hope you take these tragic deaths (Farah Fawcett, McMahon...) as a catalyst to propel you to take the time to ask yourself, what you really want to live for, and how you want to be remembered.

No matter how invincible or immortal we thought he was - his time came, and just as no one could have predicted it- we cant do the same for our own. Inevitable.

I made a true prayer for MJ today. I know he is having a dance party in heaven now.

The End for him. but not for you.

live love laugh.


Tuesday, May 5, 2009


When your heart is heavy. the material doesnt matter.

the metaphysical takes over. the spirit world manifests in reality.

when your heart is so full of love that you dont know where to turn, or what to do with it. -when your mind is so consumed. you become like a drone in the rest of the worlds mundane movements.

when you would do anything to satisfy the needs, or heal the pain, or comfort a soul, when loving becomes more than you can handle. when emotional strife is an understatement. when longing becomes sleeplessness, when feeling becomes too hard... too much...

we move.

we ignore. we exist, we try to subsist. frivolities , meaninglessness. sleeplessness.

it will haunt you. dont ignore, give it a face. look in the mirror- who do I want to be? Give in.

too many times we are distracted. too often we forget the purpose., the consequences. each little step today, makes a huge mark tomorrow. one month . one year. 20 years.

Just ask yourself.

make noise, commotion if need be. have people talking. this is your life. your love. your passion.

light fire.


Saturday, May 2, 2009

In The Biz

I am back in business.

More to come soon.

It will be good. Hold on to your hats



Tuesday, April 14, 2009


The waters have dried out. Everyday is like a baron well, waiting to be filled, so it can give again.

It gives once again, replenished and ready, but no one comes. It waits. It dries.

The rain comes, it fills. It makes it hard, and it hurts as it pounds. It had enough, but it wouldn't stop. You cant tell the rain what to do. It wills itself. When the earth had enough of it, it rose. and it gave back. It had enough - it still did not stop.

The giving the taking only goes so far.
Stop. Take the course, and grow.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

On Fire

Here are two songs I cant get enough of lately :

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Serenity Now

Time stopped when you came around. The clock ceased to ring. It stayed at 12:15 p.m after a few nights ago. Its' noise was loud, obnoxious. Time was asking to stop, and let live.

Then you left and it wound. It moves on. It reminds you very slowly and gently, beckoning every hour... half hour.

It was beautiful. If not for time- we would not move. If we did not move, we would not live. Its for the moments, for the seconds, and the details we live for ... sometimes slow, fast, all in motion , and all to savor.

We made use of it- forcing ourselves to ignore its rings. So we stopped it completely. Physically , mentally, and the emotion grew and grew.

Make use, let it roll on.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Destinys Destination

I had a dream a very long time ago that this would happen.

I cant explain the exact details, but something tells me that this was all known, and meant to be.

I remember vaguely where I was, and how unexpected the whole scene was. No one knew what to say, but I was incredibly happy. It didn't matter to me that others would be shocked or surprised at what they found out to be my destiny. They soon realize they had to accept it as reality.

The world doesn't always turn and work the way we imagine it to be when we are young. Almost every one of you can look back on the past five years and never expect that anything you thought at the time, would turn out completely different. All of our decisions and delusions change based on the way the world moves us. We can never, ever predict it- or control it entirely. The small choices we make each day turn into the status of your life- right now. Is the divine really involved. Who really knows anyway. Faith.

My head has a numbing feeling inside it, that will not shake with rest. Its the brink of intensity. The feeling you get when you know your mind has had just about enough. At some point, it will come crashing down. Into you... or into someone else. In their arms, or via technology. What would we do without our individual and unique coping mechanisms? I'm sure we can all learn from each other. No one can do it all alone.

In the movie, Into the Wild
, He realizes in the end- Happiness is not real until it is shared.

Whatever mine or your circumstance, I hope there will always be people in your life that will be happy for you, and with you.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Economic Spring

It is officially spring. But my phone signal keeps cutting in and out.

My body is also objecting to the new smells and wafts of air that have floated in my face after two days of attempting to run in the park, instead of the treadmill. I prefer the treadmill.

Benedryl, Claritin-D. Welcome.

Does it end? I am in a perpetual state of maintenance and catching up. When will I tackle the big things? The big dreams and goals. It must be one small step at a time. I never listen to my stupid mantras and silly positivity. Who am I kidding.

Sometimes I honestly do not want to hear the positive jargon that people are forced to throw around in this "bad economy". The world is in the shits right now, lets face it. And if you are unemployed and looking, you know it even more. I'll still applaud you for trying.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Landing on a Latte

Hello Again Everyone!

I am well, and feeling 100% better after a week of sickness and recovery. I must say - I am rarely ill- the last time I was that sick was in the bout of stress and insanity planning the Annual Women in Business conference in Muscat, Oman last year! I cant imagine that I was indeed stressed recently and that it caused the flu. I have been spending a lot of time at the gym and moving around much much much! My little niece was sick and its pathetic to think that I caught it from a 3 month old. Besides all that I am healthy and ready to attack my writing once again.

I finished reading a million little pieces. I am surprised I got to the end of it. I am a huge procrastinator and regardless of the fact that details in this book were fabricated- I took it to the end and really enjoyed it. I don't read much fiction, but I am still going to read the sequel, My Friend Leonard.

I am also still having ( a crisis of faith), and reading, Sam Harris - The End of Faith.

I wont list all the rest of the books I'm reading because frankly, who really cares? (only I care.)

Here is what is on the forefront of my observations today.

A few hours ago, as I sat in my new fave coffee place to write and contemplate, and after making my way through crowds of green, parade goers, children, strollers, dogs and drunkenness, I was beginning to think the world was good and kind- until this new barista started yelling and complaining about everyone who walked in the door to only use the restroom. So she angrily hung a sign on the door that read "NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS".

Come on lady. People have been drinking green beer since 6 am this morning. Give a lad a break :p

A man walks in and heads straight for the restroom- she tells him he cant use it unless he buys coffee. He says he will- she says "well then the line would start HERE sir. Not over there near the restroom. There is no restroom without purchase." He walked out angrily shouting "GOOD GOD!" I had to laugh.

The whole scenario caused a stir for little green Midwesterners. Until I realize that not everyone in this place is from here. Across from me was an true redheaded Irish girl, and a Greek catholic that started having conversation about the angry drunk man. She starts telling him how surprised she is about how festive Americans are for St Patty's day celebrations. How wonderful the parade was. She was also surprised to see that Americans are a lot more sober that the Irish on St. Patrick's Day. Of course lady.

She loves Kansas City and is visiting America to "take a walk with God and Jesus" - and trying to find herself on this journey. She is with IHOP - International House of Prayer. I'm seeing these people more and more. They seem to have this need to talk about their religion with every single person they talk to and frankly - Its a little annoying and self righteous. Yesterday I had a tour of the Kansas City Art Incubator and met a man holding a rat , as if it were his puppy, and he was also with IHOP. He is growing dreadlocks and is a struggling artist. He was from Minnesota. Are they in town? It sounds like a band tour or something.- Not religion. I think he thinks he must fit the mold. This wave of young cool people who are into "God" like it is fashion and cool to have a "relationship with Jesus" Is this real? Or is it just a fat community that thrives on the emotion of wanting to belong to something and attaching God and religion to it? It doesn't sit well with me.

This girl had a thick Irish accent. I realized it wasn't just an American Fad, but its all over. Something tells me this is new, young and hip- and that older generations didn't experience this brand of religion. Did young America take it to Europe? How and why do they feel it is their duty to "spread the gospel?"

The girl left and said to the old catholic man "God Bless."

So same to you.
More to come later.
I promise!


Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Its almost three weeks since I have posted. I feel like its such a long time. Not writing regularly goes against my nature. As if something feels missing.

Strangely, I dont know what to write about. I'll be really honest and admit to the fact that I dont want to try and think about what im writing in my blog. I realize its public and at times have become paranoid about what I put out there.

Im sure most bloggers have thought of this. Hence, remained anonymous.

Its not my intention to talk about my life in a blog. How many people really care what you do in a day? Im bored of those blogs. But I still do it.. as I am now, moreso writing about my thoughts.

Im honestly just catching a cold and am not in my creative zone to write. I just had to update though.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Pancake Day

This is really, really funny.

Also- today you can get free pancakes at IHOP. click here.

Have a lovely day.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Looking Great

***Attn: Person from Calgary, please step forward and introduce yourself. I see you visit me everyday. ***

This is an attempt to find clarity through writing. Do you ever wonder if its something you ate, or the person you are talking to, or the thoughts in your head -- that keep you from feeling normal? - On any given day?

Today is one of those days. I cant put my finger on it, but something is just not right.

I cant shake it. Hopefully, it wont last. Someone distract me with something concrete to read maybe- put me back in my place in the world? Life is a strange phenomena, and going off of my last post, you- the reader may be able to understand what goes on in my head. This may have something to do with it.

My procrastination is my worst enemy. Its like the big elephant in the room. I need to confront him- and slap him in the face, ordering him to get out.

Ill go for a coffee. Ill take a walk. Ill read a book. Ill continue to write in the face of my unwillingness to focus on one particular "thing"


Friday, February 20, 2009

Crisis of Faith

Currently reading: Palestine Peace not Apartheid. Jimmy Carter.
The End of Faith. Sam Harris
Letters to A Christian Nation. Sam Harris
A Million Little Pieces. James Frey

Currently Thinking: Music at starbucks giving me a headache.
Annoyed with stupid people. There is just no excuse.
Need a job Need a job Need a job Need a job
I love my friends. The real ones.

Here is something I wrote.

Life is a big mystery. Been feeling inspired lately and cant shake the questions. - If there were no life or existance, What is there? What is the point of it all? to serve God? If so- What does God Want? To be a good person to yourself and to others? ...Then why is it that not everyone can follow the same rules of a dogmatic religion? Its impossible. We are all created with individual characteristics, heritage, genes, and circumstances. How is it that we are all supposed to follow one formula? It doesnt make logical sense. I was brought up to always think there are rules and guidelines as to how to be a successful person on this journey called life. I was always told how I was to function in order to secure success. I always struggled with trying to make myself believe... But Belieiveing is also, Hard to believe.

Where does ones beliefs derive? From whcih ever they do. are they universal? -- regardless of whatever is worldly attached to that person?

I want to go with the easy answer to what I have always known. To learn about the techings of the prophets in Islam, and to just read the Quran. So my heart can find rest. Yet- there are so many questions.

At some point, one must choose to believe in something- but if that belief doesnt adhere to a specific religion , does that mean that person is doomed to hell? God cannot be a cruel creator, we are his creations, yet we have the choice. The "free will" etc......We are not the ultimate judges, I suppose.

It is a persons choice to look outside themselves and find whatever it is they are looking for. We cannot be force fed a prescription medication. A one way ticket.

Diversity is what makes us human. Its what makes culture. We ALL have a story to tell. Without that story, life would be fruitless/hum drum.

Without all the things that human beings latch onto to give us an identity we are no body. Its like the movie about the boy who goes into the wild and leaves all his belongings and family behind him. In the end he found that Happiness is not real unless it is shared.

Those things are important. And the balance of the material, physical, metaphysical etc. is essential to our discovery about the journey that we are all destined to take., to live.

To say that worldly things are meaningless is ignorant. It is a cop out for the immature person who wants to take the easy way out. – Whichever way it would suit him or her. Those things would not exist if they were not important for our growth. Everything has a purpose? A reason?

The human capacity to THINK, FEEL, ACT, CREATE, AND TRANSFORM is immense. We are all given that ability. The proof lies with in a physical cat scan of our brain. And- we only really use a small part of it.

Sit on it.

Chao for now

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Previous Delusions

So, A boring post starts out by telling you how I am doing, and what my day consisted of. My worries, and fears. I would tell you that my Bastian had his rabies shot today. That I have been productive lately. That my inspiration is returning again.

I gave a homeless man one dollar today. I wondered why I wasn't quite satisfied with my act of kindness. Was it because I was expecting him to be more grateful? Does that mean that it was a selfish act? I found myself questioning my true intentions. He also stared at my chest as I handed him the money. Hmph. Maybe that was it.

A thought occurred to me today as I saw some Indian girls talking in Hindi. When we go to a different country we subconsciously think we must stay as we are in terms of dress, but when people from cultures who do not typically dress western, they leave their cultural dress that they were born and raised into behind and dress differently. Why? While I was in Oman, I could have saved myself much social scrutiny by dressing how the locals did. But never did it occur to me to make it a habit. It wouldnt have been that bad after all :)

Two words: The Economy.
Last month, a job loss equivalent to the entire population of the state of Maine?? Are we on the verge of collapse?

What I am about to speak is utter truth. The more sunshine a person gets, the more motivated and better they feel about themselves. Their productivity shoots up. They become more motivated in such an depressing state of the world, their lives... The same applies to exercise. So, move to a warmer climate. OR- you must find alternatives for the sunshine. :) Healthy ones.

Here are some random things I find amusing.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Solid Moment

I have no words
Words will come.
Words fill my head, my heart fills with tears.
my eyes with pain, my conscious with her memory and then the words come.
The art that has always inspired me, in remembrance of her beauty- of the most true kind- keeps me moving, and thinking, and wanting to live more fully, more passionately.
Without her- I am not me. Without us, There are no words to offer a broken heart, a kindred soul, a burning flame, a love so deep, only words in writing with paper and pen with intricate letters, spellings and curves of dots and lines- would make it suffice. Would keep the art she lived for alive, the passion, the drive, the intensity to gain a knowledge of that desire and a mind waiting to be fulfilled, wanting and insisting to enrapture. It will stay within us. It will be ours, something I know bringing comfort -that you knew what it was like , it is now ours. For the same kind of pens and books of empty papers were also yours - They wont become a has been as long as I remember the flame, it will go on. When I think there is no more to give- the words amazingly start to flow - to no avail, in not knowing where they come from my hand wont stop moving and writing, something it never thought it could do. Just as I thought I was about to give up, she pushes and I feel her here with me and she is here telling me to live. She is strong writing these words for me, and the tears don't stop, and the flow keeps going and I am scared because I don't know where they are coming from, and the pain and hunger in my stomach is curling now but I am told to ignore it and keep fulfilling. One day, just one day...
The power that is in those words start to subside and the passion remains. It is a command I cannot ignore. I will keep going for her, and for me. It will be. It is meant, and I you.
Thank you.

Friday, February 6, 2009

In Loving Memory

I have a profound love for the country that I do not know. The country I hail from but have never known, never tasted and felt with my own two hands. But ever since I was a child I have felt it in my heart , beating so strong. I know that this place exists. I also know how it existed, and so happy were the people that were living there. Void of war, but full of love and compassion. Its people are strong willed. They are exuberant, hard working and some of the smartest people I have ever spoken to. Their stories never end. You can sit with any Iraqi- any where on the globe, And be entertained for hours with stories detailing the sounds and smells about this place they grew up in. But now- they feel estranged from that land they still hold so dear to their hearts. It is Iraq. Its a place my parents came from, but one that I never experienced.

Today is the one year anniversary of my mothers passing. Crying - does not suffice, remembering her doesn't take conscious effort. Hearing her voice, and feeling her presence I am used to. Her memory is soaked in my soul. Her words I remember daily. An angel on earth, there are no words to describe what she looks like, or to describe her life. No words are enough for an angel. Yet- even after one year, she is still so alive. Inside of me, I feel her presence. I only wish I could ask her questions about the life she lived. The struggles I face, I wonder if she had the same questions...The curiosity, and the pain.

Iraq is such a huge, yet small part of my identity. I never knew how to answer 'where are you from?' The same patriotism I feel for America, I feel more passionately for Iraq. The human emotion I experience when I think about the place my mother and father spent their younger years releases itself in tears when I hear an Iraqis words in poetry, the writings of both my mother and father. Both of them were poets, writers. The love letters that they shared their entire life, I now hold sacred in a small black box. Bundles of letters and pictures of my parents are spread between my four siblings and I. The adventures across Europe and The United States, Disney Land and the Eiffel Tower. The genuine, bright smile of my glowing mother and her two small children in 1975. Clad in a fur coat, ever so stylish in her kitten heel and perfectly styled hair- I wonder what was she thinking. I inherently sense the immense love she had for my father.

My roots as an Iraqi, I was born with.

I was bred with the intensity and courage to speak for myself as an American.

The two loves I have for America and Iraq seem so separate, yet so alike...

I ran back to the United States after living in the Middle east for reasons which I could not pronounce in the Middle East. In my appearance- it didn't matter. I look like an Arab girl and sound like an American. So who was I to be. I confused others constantly. In turn I confused myself. With Arab social expectations placed upon me because of the superficiality placed on how I look,compared with the standards and rights I knew I was meant to have and be able to practice as a Muslim and an American - I felt with rage in my heart - with the need to express them, the two just could not coincide. How was I to balance both world view points? Lifestyles?
Was I to behave in a manner that I was used to growing up as an American? Or alter my behavior according to how I was 'supposed' to be only because that is how I was projected outwardly? Factually, If I had blonde hair and blue eyes I didn't have to behave the way Arab society expected of me because I would automatically be considered European or American. In respect to my father and to honor my heritage - I chose to embrace it all.

I made some discoveries. I never understood why my mother or father would tell me that I am too harsh, or stubborn. Since the age of 18, I learned to be independent. Before then, I was very dependent on the people around me. I made my own way as I experienced more in life. I learned that I had to speak up, ask questions when I didnt understand and acknowledged that the world wasn't as peachy as I had imagined it to be in my younger and more sheltered days. I created defenses and became more and more jaded towards the emotions that I had once thought would be special and unique. In a traditional Arabs eyes and mind, I maybe was too outspoken. I felt it inwardly and expressed it outwardly- I always thought that was okay, until I went to the middle east and realized that compared to others. I truly was that way- but only as a manifestation of the environment I was bred into.

I was once at the airport in Muscat Oman. I was bitter to come back. I was there for my father only. An old man tried to help me carry my bags that I was completely capable of doing myself. And at his attempt, I immediately assumed that he had ulterior motives. Did it occur to me that he was just trying to be kind? As if I am pre-programmed to think that he is thinking I must be helped because he sees me as attractive, or just simply as a woman. I was reactive and defensive. Looking back, I realize I was unquestionably insensitive and resentful.

These qualms I wished I could have pondered over with my mother... What would she tell me? What would she say or think about the person I have become, and am becoming? Would I be different?

It was meant. And those questions don't matter. Because who I am meant to be has already been decided. I only have the choice to live my best life. She knew this. She would tell me to take it one day at a time, to have faith.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


1. Who is from Calgary that continues to visit my blog? who are you mystery person?

2. Why are Ramen noodles so addictive? And resees peanut butter cups? and dark chocolate? Why are all the good/ bad but yummy things in life so bad for you?

3. How many people that are not at work do get up in the morning as if they were going to work? How many people in the world are sleeping in?

4. Has President Obama grayed? How cool is he really? is he really going to put 3.4 million people back to work?

5. How can KC weather go from single digits to 60-70 degrees in one day?

6. In an alcoholics life, is their consumption the root of evil?

* I have better questions to ask, more to come later. *
In the meantime,here is an updated version of my kitten Bastian.


Sunday, February 1, 2009


Change is relative. Change is what you are made to believe must be different. You cannot make change happen by yourself. Can change also just mean evolve? I never think that we change. I think we just simply evolve.

We are not born into the people we are today. We are who we are today because of a decision you made before, and that decision you made , was influenced by someone else's decision, and their decision was also influenced. So you see, its all predetermined. nothing is actually yours, nothing that you think you changed was truly done by you. It is the conglomeration of many CIRCUMSTANCES that were presented before you, and yours, and theirs- before that.

Circumstances have determined everything in your life. You only feel the need to get moving if there is a force, or a purpose in your cause- TO GET UP IN THE MORNING. Free will, does not exist. If we all had free will , then we would be complete products of our nature -and our nature was not determined by us either. Nothing would propel us to move. Do we make our own decisions? Or is it someone else that did for us? Our society? Our belief system that was the rise and fall of who we are today? It is our environment that is the cause and effect of the world around us. It moves you. People move you.

Without each other, -You, Me, who are we?

And those are my random thoughts/rants on change.


Saturday, January 31, 2009


Its the last day of the month. I have not blogged as much as I had intended to do this month. (New years non-resolving to resolve ever again, down the drain.) I was highly distracted. I'm now making a commitment to change my environment- because I have to stop resisting my nature. I was born with it- and to fight it, has torn me to shreds that leave me all over the place. My brain and my body. So I must give in. Make small changes to help/adhere to the way I am, instead of trying to be something I'm not and constantly beat myself up. JUST GIVE IN :)

If you are lazy, undisciplined, you find no motivation in your mundane day to day- you feel you are not living up to the standards that will propel you to succeed, you are made to believe that it is a bad thing. The thing is- its not good or bad. It is what it is. Change your environment to be conducive to the way that you were born. If you are like me, you grew up struggling and asking questions to yourself about why you couldn't be more productive. You were constantly making lists upon lists of to dos. You tried really hard to follow a strict schedule. You would dream about your perfect day in which you got up early tackled your list, and still had time to relax in the evening. Its the perfect balance that we crave. Alas, it is futile.

There is a down fall. Those people who are highly disciplined and live a structured life also lack in other areas of life. They don't feel emotion as intensely as those that are labeled as lazy or dreamers, or artists. But the artists gain in other areas of lie that fulfill them in different ways. Is it a trade off? Why is that so? They are not as spontaneous and can often miss out on the small details of life that pass them by on the daily. The details in which I find- bring me happiness.

Its all about your perspective. But how to maintain that? Jobless and a horrible economy with hope hard to find on those dreaded wintry days, its hard to come across then sunshine within yourself - (if you will, I know , super cheesy analogy)
There are people in the world with much less than you have. The computer you are reading from. The internet I am utilizing as a vehicle in expressing myself, in offering perspective, is taken for granted. How easy is it for me to call my father half way across the world? To send him a text message? In an instant I can have the gratification I need to fulfill the basic needs of a human being. emotionally and physically. Feel blessed. Count them, one . two. three. You are lucky. Things will get better.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Over than Long Due

I sincerely dont know why the blog dry spell has continued for this long. I spend a lot of time reading all of your blogs, but I fail to contribute to my own . Is it my lack of motivation? Is it that I have so many ideas that I simply cannot pick/ focus on one? Whatever the reason. It must never happen again.

I do know that I have been preoccupied and also trying to redefine the purpose of my blog. I read a quote today about writing that was along the lines of- no one wants to read your diary, except your mother. I can easily write about my daily happenings. I can tell you what I do in a day. What I think. But I refuse. I somehow believe that when I write- it must mean something to me. I cannot ramble. I will bore myself because I know I have more important things to write about. Maybe I am afraid to take that risk.

I once found myself a very angry person when I started writing my shitty first draft for an essay I am trying to compose. You write your first draft without thinking, or editing. You lay it all out there with no censorship. How often do you do that in your writing. Write a shitty first draft about anything on your mind- you would be surprised to see what comes out. Send it to me. I would love to read it. Then I dare you to post it on your blog. If you do this, I will also post my shitty drafts. You will be surprised at what you have to say.

In the past few weeks, I have received two blogging awards. The Lemonade award and the Honest Scrap award.

Thank you Antonella (from the stupidest corner of my mind for the Lemonade award! She claims that I write with attitude, and I say that she writes with emotion. And thanks to Rosemarie from Just Moi .

Here are the rules. For the Lemonade, I must nominate ten blogs which I think show attitude/gratitude. But, I never follow the rules- so here are my top five.

They are:

Goslings Aerie
The Day to Day
Attaining the Unattainable
Just Moi
The Shared Journey

Of course, there are even rules in the blogging world. For this award they are:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here goes my ten:

1. If I could have a special talent, I wish I could sing. Sometimes I pretend that I can :P
2. I often get too excited about the cuteness, and cuddle-ability of my kitten that I want to squeeze him until he meows.
3. I check my email at least 20 times a day.
4. I miss being around people that can identify with my heritage/culture.. etc.
5. With the horrible economy and no job, I am wondering if I made a mistake by coming back to the US, when I had a "perfectly good job" in Oman. And when I say perfectly good, it only means that it was paying me money.
6. Sometimes I hesitate to write in fear that the flood gates in my head will spill more than they had intended.
7. I ran into some old friends at the coffee shop today and I was really annoyed to have to make small chat with them. Their lives seems so frivolous in comparison with the things that I am trying to accomplish.
8. I just wrote something really honest, and then erased it. I just broke a rule of the honest scrap award. You can take it back now :p I must always break a rule, don't I?
9. I cannot cook
10. I wish I could have one more day with my mother...

And the honest award goes to:

Attaining Me at Attaining the Unattainable Without going into specific detail of the particulars of a story or an event,This blog describes emotions and moments in life so artistically, and dead on. To the times when you think there is no way to describe that gut feeling, this writer has made the attempt- and succeeded.

The Lil Bee The vibe I get from this blog is nothing but happy. Its terribly cutsey, and I'm all about it.

Biscuit in a Basket I just love the title. Respects are due!

Crystal at Chances are im going to hell for this - Muslim, Jewish It doesn't matter :) Also love the title!

Mars at The Inner Workings of a Media Junkie. Her name is my nickname. She lives in the Arab world - and works there, just as I have. Her experiences I identify with. Media Junkie title more than caught my attention. Much in common!

Okay, I have had enough honesty for one night. I will soon find more in this infinite web of confessions, and all of your lives exposed ... I will find you :)
Maybe Ill get there soon too. Apparently, I am already making the right steps in that direction.

For tomorrow- more motivation. Inspiration in the lovely weather to be expected. In the progress I promise to create.

Love Love,

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Sometimes you don't have the words, or the time...

So, this is it:

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Misery, Lets Agree to Disagree

I'm tormented in my writing. I have a deadline.

Its almost a year later and my entire existence seems to be scattered with tidbits , thoughts and memories of my mother. Anyone who ever said that the pain will subside was wrong.

Its impossible to find focus. I just want to write about her, and everything in my life in comparison to her seems the peak of frivolity.

Last January on this day, I was sitting next to her hospital bed, in a different country, with a different life. I ceased to exist in my selfishness and my entire life could no longer be what it was.

I cant have a single thought or emotion without questioning. Constantly having questions. Questions that I don't think I will ever be able to answer. In comparison, nothing seems real. I don't even know that I am real right now. If one year that changed your life can pass by so quickly, and can simply fade as a memory - what does it mean to really live? We are left with the memories, the pain and the lessons. They just wont go away. You are in idiot if you think you can constantly escape. I have always understood why people take drugs. Constant escapism. Dealing with yourself can be too hard to endure, so just take the easy way instead of actually suffering and learning. One only really learns when they suffer. All of the prophets suffered. No great person in history would have been remembered if they too didnt suffer. Martin Luther, you are remembered today- and tomorrow during inauguration, will be your day.

In those moments of desperation that we all have, the moment you are alone with no one to hear you cry - you remember. The memories come flooding and only then do you want to redeem yourself to the people you love, the people you hurt, the mistakes you have made.You suddenly want to reach out to the world to make your mark in life. Because you realize what is truly important in the end. But its short lived. What would our lives be like if we tried to remember those moments of desperation when we don't feel like it? When we are so wrapped up in our own lives it helps to remember those times.

Brace yourselves.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Getting Back

Every time I gripe about how badly I want to leave this city, or about how much the Midwest sucks, I should really drive down I70. As cheesy in writing and in speech as I can get, I must articulate exactly how gorgeous Kansas can be.

1. Sometime this past fall, I saw hundreds and hundreds of birds migrating- but not only were they simply flying in the sky above me, it was the entire picture before me as I was driving. There was a lake, a sunset, leaves blowing, trees in the distance and dark and light clouds of all shapes ... the colors of the sunset contrasted with the darkness trying to linger in was breathtaking. It was as if the dark was asking permission to creep in on the gorgeous glory of the sun, clouds, and hundreds of birds in a V flying on by. The lake was glimmering and my jaw had long been dropped.

2. Tonight, I would have never noticed this lake if it weren't for the moonlight glimmering upon its surface. The sky is clear and the half moon was bright.

3. Void of nature, but my stomach beckoning, I committed the sin of the late night McDonalds run. There in the distance- were the searchlights. (Really? Mcdonalds has search lights?! wow... ) As I'm driving I see the big yellow M in the distance. After all the nature, the M was the perfect sign of our times, and of course I submit to all its yellow and round glory. (Ok, that was a bit much- I hate fast food! Kill me now :p) I had to just laugh out loud.

I really enjoy listening to the BBC at midnight -6am GMT. I can see London bustling around , and everyone trying to get to work when , I'm here, about to go to sleep....


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Rights of time Passage

Im way to tired to even think about what the contents of this blog post will be.


Dear Blog,

I have missed you. I missed you when the New Year came in and new things started happening. I missed you when I decided that eating home made waffles was more important than writing. I missed you when 2009 rang in and everything changed but my computer was off and not to be turned on for I am just too tired. I missed you when everything changed. I missed you when I felt like I had stepped out of myself again. Once I stepped back in, I realized that writing is always the best way to organize/ compartmentalize my thoughts.

Its a new year, but I still cant seem to shake off 2008. I wanted it to stay once I realized that the more time passed by the more I would start to feel pain. I wanted to hold on to the time frame when my mother was still alive. I wanted to still be able to say to people that it had been less than a year since she passed away. I still wanted 2008 because I am not done having a grieving excuse. I dont want February to pass, as all my memories remain as if they were yesterday. 2008 was too heavy of a year for it to simply pass casually in time- its as if it ignored me and went on its merry way without realizing that I am not yet done. I am not done.

Is it that simple? Is that just it? You live, you try to make the best of it all and most times its shitty because you slip and fall slip and fall , pick up the pieces over and over and over again only to realize that your 80 years old and your life is going to end? Or how about just not knowing when you are going to die- but reminded of the guarantee that you someday will?

Thinking ahead and moving forward without having dealt with the past can be dangerous. How would a person know that what they are doing right now is not just a manifestation of how screwed up (or maybe great) their past was? Is your past always meaning to shape you?

I passed by a live shot (news crew) while taking a walk today, and as I had worked with that station in the past, a small part of me immediately wanted to go over and see what the story was all about, talk to the reporter and videographer, not only because I knew who they were, but because I still felt like I wanted to be a part of all that. But my visions have changed, and instead I just walked away. If 2008 didnt turn out the way it did- would I still have had the same career goals? Maybe I would have become compleltey oblivious and never have asked all these questions. I might have turned out to be an entirely different person. But the wind of Tv Journalism did not catch me by storm as it had originally intended. I was on that path. But apparently, 2008 had a different path for me. Now im left with the debris, and 2008 just left me here.

I guess its not dangerous, it was just meant to be.