Misery, Lets Agree to Disagree

I'm tormented in my writing. I have a deadline.

Its almost a year later and my entire existence seems to be scattered with tidbits , thoughts and memories of my mother. Anyone who ever said that the pain will subside was wrong.

Its impossible to find focus. I just want to write about her, and everything in my life in comparison to her seems the peak of frivolity.

Last January on this day, I was sitting next to her hospital bed, in a different country, with a different life. I ceased to exist in my selfishness and my entire life could no longer be what it was.

I cant have a single thought or emotion without questioning. Constantly having questions. Questions that I don't think I will ever be able to answer. In comparison, nothing seems real. I don't even know that I am real right now. If one year that changed your life can pass by so quickly, and can simply fade as a memory - what does it mean to really live? We are left with the memories, the pain and the lessons. They just wont go away. You are in idiot if you think you can constantly escape. I have always understood why people take drugs. Constant escapism. Dealing with yourself can be too hard to endure, so just take the easy way instead of actually suffering and learning. One only really learns when they suffer. All of the prophets suffered. No great person in history would have been remembered if they too didnt suffer. Martin Luther, you are remembered today- and tomorrow during inauguration, will be your day.

In those moments of desperation that we all have, the moment you are alone with no one to hear you cry - you remember. The memories come flooding and only then do you want to redeem yourself to the people you love, the people you hurt, the mistakes you have made.You suddenly want to reach out to the world to make your mark in life. Because you realize what is truly important in the end. But its short lived. What would our lives be like if we tried to remember those moments of desperation when we don't feel like it? When we are so wrapped up in our own lives it helps to remember those times.

Brace yourselves.

Rights of time Passage

Im way to tired to even think about what the contents of this blog post will be.

So,

Dear Blog,

I have missed you. I missed you when the New Year came in and new things started happening. I missed you when I decided that eating home made waffles was more important than writing. I missed you when 2009 rang in and everything changed but my computer was off and not to be turned on for I am just too tired. I missed you when everything changed. I missed you when I felt like I had stepped out of myself again. Once I stepped back in, I realized that writing is always the best way to organize/ compartmentalize my thoughts.

Its a new year, but I still cant seem to shake off 2008. I wanted it to stay once I realized that the more time passed by the more I would start to feel pain. I wanted to hold on to the time frame when my mother was still alive. I wanted to still be able to say to people that it had been less than a year since she passed away. I still wanted 2008 because I am not done having a grieving excuse. I dont want February to pass, as all my memories remain as if they were yesterday. 2008 was too heavy of a year for it to simply pass casually in time- its as if it ignored me and went on its merry way without realizing that I am not yet done. I am not done.

Is it that simple? Is that just it? You live, you try to make the best of it all and most times its shitty because you slip and fall slip and fall , pick up the pieces over and over and over again only to realize that your 80 years old and your life is going to end? Or how about just not knowing when you are going to die- but reminded of the guarantee that you someday will?

Thinking ahead and moving forward without having dealt with the past can be dangerous. How would a person know that what they are doing right now is not just a manifestation of how screwed up (or maybe great) their past was? Is your past always meaning to shape you?

I passed by a live shot (news crew) while taking a walk today, and as I had worked with that station in the past, a small part of me immediately wanted to go over and see what the story was all about, talk to the reporter and videographer, not only because I knew who they were, but because I still felt like I wanted to be a part of all that. But my visions have changed, and instead I just walked away. If 2008 didnt turn out the way it did- would I still have had the same career goals? Maybe I would have become compleltey oblivious and never have asked all these questions. I might have turned out to be an entirely different person. But the wind of Tv Journalism did not catch me by storm as it had originally intended. I was on that path. But apparently, 2008 had a different path for me. Now im left with the debris, and 2008 just left me here.

I guess its not dangerous, it was just meant to be.