Im feeling very jealous... Of myself.
I read my previpus posts and realized... where did this girl go? Where have I been? Has the wind taken me far enough that I have forgotten? Did I really write all that?
I have missed you of fellow bloggers. And I envy your dedication to your writing.
I have missed you. Time does have a way of sweeping you up- the difference is recognzing when and how and why. Upon coming back down- your perspective is always different. Isnt life so weird and beautiful at the same time?
I do love to write. It seems natural for me to write everyday without heistation. I feel as though once I stop writing- I stop have a lust for knowledge and the desire to learn becomes somehow less. I fail to notice the things that I would normally write about. I fail to notice the culture and life around me as I used to ..-- because writing is truly a vehicle of expressing that which you cannot put into everyday talk. I dont want to just become part of the mundane everyday existance but I thrive being on the outside looking in. What Im trying to say is- writing allows me look at the world in a different light. Because I know that later on, I can document it all.. put it in symbols and words that I wouldnt have usually come up with if I didnt have the anticipation to come home and write about it.
Okay thats enough writing about writing. You get my drift.
Months gone by, and again I sit here wondering how it all happened. Where am I going. Where is this world taking me. Is is really up to me to propel it? Or am I still waiting on some miracle to just fall in my lap?
Wake up calls all around me. I often feel I am in a constant daze. Maybe I am not drinking enough coffee.
Ill keep you posted.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Rain
The waters have dried out. Everyday is like a baron well, waiting to be filled, so it can give again.
It gives once again, replenished and ready, but no one comes. It waits. It dries.
The rain comes, it fills. It makes it hard, and it hurts as it pounds. It had enough, but it wouldn't stop. You cant tell the rain what to do. It wills itself. When the earth had enough of it, it rose. and it gave back. It had enough - it still did not stop.
The giving the taking only goes so far.
Stop. Take the course, and grow.
It gives once again, replenished and ready, but no one comes. It waits. It dries.
The rain comes, it fills. It makes it hard, and it hurts as it pounds. It had enough, but it wouldn't stop. You cant tell the rain what to do. It wills itself. When the earth had enough of it, it rose. and it gave back. It had enough - it still did not stop.
The giving the taking only goes so far.
Stop. Take the course, and grow.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Looking Great
***Attn: Person from Calgary, please step forward and introduce yourself. I see you visit me everyday. ***
This is an attempt to find clarity through writing. Do you ever wonder if its something you ate, or the person you are talking to, or the thoughts in your head -- that keep you from feeling normal? - On any given day?
Today is one of those days. I cant put my finger on it, but something is just not right.
I cant shake it. Hopefully, it wont last. Someone distract me with something concrete to read maybe- put me back in my place in the world? Life is a strange phenomena, and going off of my last post, you- the reader may be able to understand what goes on in my head. This may have something to do with it.
My procrastination is my worst enemy. Its like the big elephant in the room. I need to confront him- and slap him in the face, ordering him to get out.
Ill go for a coffee. Ill take a walk. Ill read a book. Ill continue to write in the face of my unwillingness to focus on one particular "thing"
Peace.
MY
This is an attempt to find clarity through writing. Do you ever wonder if its something you ate, or the person you are talking to, or the thoughts in your head -- that keep you from feeling normal? - On any given day?
Today is one of those days. I cant put my finger on it, but something is just not right.
I cant shake it. Hopefully, it wont last. Someone distract me with something concrete to read maybe- put me back in my place in the world? Life is a strange phenomena, and going off of my last post, you- the reader may be able to understand what goes on in my head. This may have something to do with it.
My procrastination is my worst enemy. Its like the big elephant in the room. I need to confront him- and slap him in the face, ordering him to get out.
Ill go for a coffee. Ill take a walk. Ill read a book. Ill continue to write in the face of my unwillingness to focus on one particular "thing"
Peace.
MY
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A Solid Moment
I have no words
Words will come.
Words fill my head, my heart fills with tears.
my eyes with pain, my conscious with her memory and then the words come.
The art that has always inspired me, in remembrance of her beauty- of the most true kind- keeps me moving, and thinking, and wanting to live more fully, more passionately.
Without her- I am not me. Without us, There are no words to offer a broken heart, a kindred soul, a burning flame, a love so deep, only words in writing with paper and pen with intricate letters, spellings and curves of dots and lines- would make it suffice. Would keep the art she lived for alive, the passion, the drive, the intensity to gain a knowledge of that desire and a mind waiting to be fulfilled, wanting and insisting to enrapture. It will stay within us. It will be ours, something I know bringing comfort -that you knew what it was like , it is now ours. For the same kind of pens and books of empty papers were also yours - They wont become a has been as long as I remember the flame, it will go on. When I think there is no more to give- the words amazingly start to flow - to no avail, in not knowing where they come from my hand wont stop moving and writing, something it never thought it could do. Just as I thought I was about to give up, she pushes and I feel her here with me and she is here telling me to live. She is strong writing these words for me, and the tears don't stop, and the flow keeps going and I am scared because I don't know where they are coming from, and the pain and hunger in my stomach is curling now but I am told to ignore it and keep fulfilling. One day, just one day...
The power that is in those words start to subside and the passion remains. It is a command I cannot ignore. I will keep going for her, and for me. It will be. It is meant, and I surrender..to you.
Thank you.
Words will come.
Words fill my head, my heart fills with tears.
my eyes with pain, my conscious with her memory and then the words come.
The art that has always inspired me, in remembrance of her beauty- of the most true kind- keeps me moving, and thinking, and wanting to live more fully, more passionately.
Without her- I am not me. Without us, There are no words to offer a broken heart, a kindred soul, a burning flame, a love so deep, only words in writing with paper and pen with intricate letters, spellings and curves of dots and lines- would make it suffice. Would keep the art she lived for alive, the passion, the drive, the intensity to gain a knowledge of that desire and a mind waiting to be fulfilled, wanting and insisting to enrapture. It will stay within us. It will be ours, something I know bringing comfort -that you knew what it was like , it is now ours. For the same kind of pens and books of empty papers were also yours - They wont become a has been as long as I remember the flame, it will go on. When I think there is no more to give- the words amazingly start to flow - to no avail, in not knowing where they come from my hand wont stop moving and writing, something it never thought it could do. Just as I thought I was about to give up, she pushes and I feel her here with me and she is here telling me to live. She is strong writing these words for me, and the tears don't stop, and the flow keeps going and I am scared because I don't know where they are coming from, and the pain and hunger in my stomach is curling now but I am told to ignore it and keep fulfilling. One day, just one day...
The power that is in those words start to subside and the passion remains. It is a command I cannot ignore. I will keep going for her, and for me. It will be. It is meant, and I surrender..to you.
Thank you.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Over than Long Due
I sincerely dont know why the blog dry spell has continued for this long. I spend a lot of time reading all of your blogs, but I fail to contribute to my own . Is it my lack of motivation? Is it that I have so many ideas that I simply cannot pick/ focus on one? Whatever the reason. It must never happen again.
I do know that I have been preoccupied and also trying to redefine the purpose of my blog. I read a quote today about writing that was along the lines of- no one wants to read your diary, except your mother. I can easily write about my daily happenings. I can tell you what I do in a day. What I think. But I refuse. I somehow believe that when I write- it must mean something to me. I cannot ramble. I will bore myself because I know I have more important things to write about. Maybe I am afraid to take that risk.
I once found myself a very angry person when I started writing my shitty first draft for an essay I am trying to compose. You write your first draft without thinking, or editing. You lay it all out there with no censorship. How often do you do that in your writing. Write a shitty first draft about anything on your mind- you would be surprised to see what comes out. Send it to me. I would love to read it. Then I dare you to post it on your blog. If you do this, I will also post my shitty drafts. You will be surprised at what you have to say.
In the past few weeks, I have received two blogging awards. The Lemonade award and the Honest Scrap award.
Thank you Antonella (from the stupidest corner of my mind for the Lemonade award! She claims that I write with attitude, and I say that she writes with emotion. And thanks to Rosemarie from Just Moi .
Here are the rules. For the Lemonade, I must nominate ten blogs which I think show attitude/gratitude. But, I never follow the rules- so here are my top five.
They are:
Goslings Aerie
The Day to Day
Attaining the Unattainable
Just Moi
The Shared Journey
Of course, there are even rules in the blogging world. For this award they are:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
Here goes my ten:
1. If I could have a special talent, I wish I could sing. Sometimes I pretend that I can :P
2. I often get too excited about the cuteness, and cuddle-ability of my kitten that I want to squeeze him until he meows.
3. I check my email at least 20 times a day.
4. I miss being around people that can identify with my heritage/culture.. etc.
5. With the horrible economy and no job, I am wondering if I made a mistake by coming back to the US, when I had a "perfectly good job" in Oman. And when I say perfectly good, it only means that it was paying me money.
6. Sometimes I hesitate to write in fear that the flood gates in my head will spill more than they had intended.
7. I ran into some old friends at the coffee shop today and I was really annoyed to have to make small chat with them. Their lives seems so frivolous in comparison with the things that I am trying to accomplish.
8. I just wrote something really honest, and then erased it. I just broke a rule of the honest scrap award. You can take it back now :p I must always break a rule, don't I?
9. I cannot cook
10. I wish I could have one more day with my mother...
And the honest award goes to:
Attaining Me at Attaining the Unattainable Without going into specific detail of the particulars of a story or an event,This blog describes emotions and moments in life so artistically, and dead on. To the times when you think there is no way to describe that gut feeling, this writer has made the attempt- and succeeded.
The Lil Bee The vibe I get from this blog is nothing but happy. Its terribly cutsey, and I'm all about it.
Biscuit in a Basket I just love the title. Respects are due!
Crystal at Chances are im going to hell for this - Muslim, Jewish It doesn't matter :) Also love the title!
Mars at The Inner Workings of a Media Junkie. Her name is my nickname. She lives in the Arab world - and works there, just as I have. Her experiences I identify with. Media Junkie title more than caught my attention. Much in common!
Okay, I have had enough honesty for one night. I will soon find more in this infinite web of confessions, and all of your lives exposed ... I will find you :)
Maybe Ill get there soon too. Apparently, I am already making the right steps in that direction.
For tomorrow- more motivation. Inspiration in the lovely weather to be expected. In the progress I promise to create.
Love Love,
MY
I do know that I have been preoccupied and also trying to redefine the purpose of my blog. I read a quote today about writing that was along the lines of- no one wants to read your diary, except your mother. I can easily write about my daily happenings. I can tell you what I do in a day. What I think. But I refuse. I somehow believe that when I write- it must mean something to me. I cannot ramble. I will bore myself because I know I have more important things to write about. Maybe I am afraid to take that risk.
I once found myself a very angry person when I started writing my shitty first draft for an essay I am trying to compose. You write your first draft without thinking, or editing. You lay it all out there with no censorship. How often do you do that in your writing. Write a shitty first draft about anything on your mind- you would be surprised to see what comes out. Send it to me. I would love to read it. Then I dare you to post it on your blog. If you do this, I will also post my shitty drafts. You will be surprised at what you have to say.
In the past few weeks, I have received two blogging awards. The Lemonade award and the Honest Scrap award.
Thank you Antonella (from the stupidest corner of my mind for the Lemonade award! She claims that I write with attitude, and I say that she writes with emotion. And thanks to Rosemarie from Just Moi .
Here are the rules. For the Lemonade, I must nominate ten blogs which I think show attitude/gratitude. But, I never follow the rules- so here are my top five.
They are:
Goslings Aerie
The Day to Day
Attaining the Unattainable
Just Moi
The Shared Journey
Of course, there are even rules in the blogging world. For this award they are:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
Here goes my ten:
1. If I could have a special talent, I wish I could sing. Sometimes I pretend that I can :P
2. I often get too excited about the cuteness, and cuddle-ability of my kitten that I want to squeeze him until he meows.
3. I check my email at least 20 times a day.
4. I miss being around people that can identify with my heritage/culture.. etc.
5. With the horrible economy and no job, I am wondering if I made a mistake by coming back to the US, when I had a "perfectly good job" in Oman. And when I say perfectly good, it only means that it was paying me money.
6. Sometimes I hesitate to write in fear that the flood gates in my head will spill more than they had intended.
7. I ran into some old friends at the coffee shop today and I was really annoyed to have to make small chat with them. Their lives seems so frivolous in comparison with the things that I am trying to accomplish.
8. I just wrote something really honest, and then erased it. I just broke a rule of the honest scrap award. You can take it back now :p I must always break a rule, don't I?
9. I cannot cook
10. I wish I could have one more day with my mother...
And the honest award goes to:
Attaining Me at Attaining the Unattainable Without going into specific detail of the particulars of a story or an event,This blog describes emotions and moments in life so artistically, and dead on. To the times when you think there is no way to describe that gut feeling, this writer has made the attempt- and succeeded.
The Lil Bee The vibe I get from this blog is nothing but happy. Its terribly cutsey, and I'm all about it.
Biscuit in a Basket I just love the title. Respects are due!
Crystal at Chances are im going to hell for this - Muslim, Jewish It doesn't matter :) Also love the title!
Mars at The Inner Workings of a Media Junkie. Her name is my nickname. She lives in the Arab world - and works there, just as I have. Her experiences I identify with. Media Junkie title more than caught my attention. Much in common!
Okay, I have had enough honesty for one night. I will soon find more in this infinite web of confessions, and all of your lives exposed ... I will find you :)
Maybe Ill get there soon too. Apparently, I am already making the right steps in that direction.
For tomorrow- more motivation. Inspiration in the lovely weather to be expected. In the progress I promise to create.
Love Love,
MY
Thursday, December 25, 2008
To be or ...Just to be.
OK. I'm ready now.
Sometimes having too much too say makes a person not know what to say at all. We go around with so many thoughts in our heads... So much we want to say to the world, so much to confess, proclaim, and so much we desire in life that it becomes overwhelming and you just dont know where to start. So you simply . Dont.
Its a little thing I learned in college when I had a really long tedious paper to do or research I needed to get going on, but I simply wouldn't because the task was so daunting, .. it would take away so much from me, and in the end after I have procrastinated so much about it, I am left with the stress and drama of doing it...It seems like its the only way to get anywhere. leaving it all to the wind and then let it all come crashing out like a stream of random BS, or sometimes not. Sometimes taking that baby step of just starting on a project is half of the progress... then it all ebbs and flows and ebbs and flows...
Its what I have learned about writing, and myself.
Just do it.
I'm alone on 'Christmas Eve' - and although my family never celebrated it when I was growing up- I still have a sense of obligation to myself to neglect my daily routine and do something- anything .
Just because its a holiday that everyone else takes part in regardless of their belief in it?? It seems more like an American tradition for a lot of people more than the meaning of it. If you don't do anything special during this time of year, you inevitably feel like an outsider. Its like an instilled feeling-- or expectation that society puts on people during times like these. What if you dont have any family? What happens when all your friends are with their families... are you just expected to sit around and feel lonely? Just because........ ?
Being with family can be painful for some people. I understand that its not because they dont love them, but sometimes its because we love them so much that its to painful to be around them. The overwhelming sense that these people you grew up with are now all living their own lives. We are all so uninvolved with one another , and its kind of heartbreaking. So we simply avoid it. We go through the acts and motions of being there during the holidays and exchanging smiles and small talk because its what expected. -- regardless of all you have been through together with "these people" . Yea- you are blood.
Being with yourself and enjoying your own company is very important. Its part of self love. But being with other people or a significant other can also suffocate you. Where is the happy balance, and how can one 'keep it real' all through out?
When I was growing up, we never had a Christmas tree or lights or any other the other shenanigans. But my family would still drive around and look at all the elaborate light displays. I would still bring cookies to class in elementary school for all the holiday celebrations. I would celebrate all the holidays everywhere else outside of my own home. My parents were the kind that would drag me and my other three brothers to dinner parties every other weekend. It seemed pretty normal most of the time. The families were almost always Arab. More so, Muslim Arabs. But on one particular cold December night we went to a house with lights and Christmas trees. they were also Arab; Christians. I was so confused as to why or how Arabs - regardless of their religion would have a tree in their house. It never occurred to me that Christian Arabs existed. I asked the little girl at the house why they had a tree . She said it was for Christmas of course. at the time I was skeptical about if she had lied and said they were Muslim and they just wanted to celebrate Christmas- because that is what she had told me, or what were they really??
On the drive home my dad said that they were Muslims, but had a tree because it was just American culture to have a tree up and they were trying to copy everyone else!
Imagine how confused I was. All I knew was that we were Muslim, and didn't celebrate the birth of Jesus.
To say the least, I am still confused. Would it be okay to put up a tree and go along with the traditions of giving and the nine yards of trees and lights - just because it was fun? -Or is it not because Muslims dont believe that they should imitate? What is the real story behind all this Christmas time anyway? We all know that Santa was a fabrication... but why? And who decided that we would celebrate the birth of Jesus like this? Besides, dont Christians believe that he was born in a barn and not under a tree? I was taught that Jesus was born under a tree. A palm tree. A lot of Muslims think that by participating in all the festivities of Christmas that you are committing a sin. -because you are associating the practices with yourself - as a Muslim. We have our holidays, and we should stick to those only. When did other religions, for example... atheists, do they celebrate Christmas? Who decided that? What is celebrated because of the tradition and culture, and what is celebrated because of its true meaning? Will majority of Muslims in America get to that point too?
What is the harm? I do know I celebrate Halloween and Valentines day. Is it because there is no religious significance in those holidays? Or is Halloween a satanic celebration, as some Muslims would say, and I shouldn't have fun with that either? Am I playing with fire? God knows.
I sincerely do wish my friends, and you, have a 'merry Christmas' though. From the bottom of my heart.
xoxo
Sometimes having too much too say makes a person not know what to say at all. We go around with so many thoughts in our heads... So much we want to say to the world, so much to confess, proclaim, and so much we desire in life that it becomes overwhelming and you just dont know where to start. So you simply . Dont.
Its a little thing I learned in college when I had a really long tedious paper to do or research I needed to get going on, but I simply wouldn't because the task was so daunting, .. it would take away so much from me, and in the end after I have procrastinated so much about it, I am left with the stress and drama of doing it...It seems like its the only way to get anywhere. leaving it all to the wind and then let it all come crashing out like a stream of random BS, or sometimes not. Sometimes taking that baby step of just starting on a project is half of the progress... then it all ebbs and flows and ebbs and flows...
Its what I have learned about writing, and myself.
Just do it.
I'm alone on 'Christmas Eve' - and although my family never celebrated it when I was growing up- I still have a sense of obligation to myself to neglect my daily routine and do something- anything .
Just because its a holiday that everyone else takes part in regardless of their belief in it?? It seems more like an American tradition for a lot of people more than the meaning of it. If you don't do anything special during this time of year, you inevitably feel like an outsider. Its like an instilled feeling-- or expectation that society puts on people during times like these. What if you dont have any family? What happens when all your friends are with their families... are you just expected to sit around and feel lonely? Just because........ ?
Being with family can be painful for some people. I understand that its not because they dont love them, but sometimes its because we love them so much that its to painful to be around them. The overwhelming sense that these people you grew up with are now all living their own lives. We are all so uninvolved with one another , and its kind of heartbreaking. So we simply avoid it. We go through the acts and motions of being there during the holidays and exchanging smiles and small talk because its what expected. -- regardless of all you have been through together with "these people" . Yea- you are blood.
Being with yourself and enjoying your own company is very important. Its part of self love. But being with other people or a significant other can also suffocate you. Where is the happy balance, and how can one 'keep it real' all through out?
When I was growing up, we never had a Christmas tree or lights or any other the other shenanigans. But my family would still drive around and look at all the elaborate light displays. I would still bring cookies to class in elementary school for all the holiday celebrations. I would celebrate all the holidays everywhere else outside of my own home. My parents were the kind that would drag me and my other three brothers to dinner parties every other weekend. It seemed pretty normal most of the time. The families were almost always Arab. More so, Muslim Arabs. But on one particular cold December night we went to a house with lights and Christmas trees. they were also Arab; Christians. I was so confused as to why or how Arabs - regardless of their religion would have a tree in their house. It never occurred to me that Christian Arabs existed. I asked the little girl at the house why they had a tree . She said it was for Christmas of course. at the time I was skeptical about if she had lied and said they were Muslim and they just wanted to celebrate Christmas- because that is what she had told me, or what were they really??
On the drive home my dad said that they were Muslims, but had a tree because it was just American culture to have a tree up and they were trying to copy everyone else!
Imagine how confused I was. All I knew was that we were Muslim, and didn't celebrate the birth of Jesus.
To say the least, I am still confused. Would it be okay to put up a tree and go along with the traditions of giving and the nine yards of trees and lights - just because it was fun? -Or is it not because Muslims dont believe that they should imitate? What is the real story behind all this Christmas time anyway? We all know that Santa was a fabrication... but why? And who decided that we would celebrate the birth of Jesus like this? Besides, dont Christians believe that he was born in a barn and not under a tree? I was taught that Jesus was born under a tree. A palm tree. A lot of Muslims think that by participating in all the festivities of Christmas that you are committing a sin. -because you are associating the practices with yourself - as a Muslim. We have our holidays, and we should stick to those only. When did other religions, for example... atheists, do they celebrate Christmas? Who decided that? What is celebrated because of the tradition and culture, and what is celebrated because of its true meaning? Will majority of Muslims in America get to that point too?
What is the harm? I do know I celebrate Halloween and Valentines day. Is it because there is no religious significance in those holidays? Or is Halloween a satanic celebration, as some Muslims would say, and I shouldn't have fun with that either? Am I playing with fire? God knows.
I sincerely do wish my friends, and you, have a 'merry Christmas' though. From the bottom of my heart.
xoxo
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
No Need to Argue
Its been a while. I have been getting requests for a new post. I'll admit, it takes a lot out of me to get going on a blog post..but what I forget to realize is that once you get going with writing, it all flows.
I see writing like giving. It takes time,some hesitation, and trust when you want to give. Even when the writing is technical or objective; You are giving a part of yourself; your mind and thoughts. Its a little something I read about in a book called Bird by Bird by Anne Lammott
I promised a post about the happenings of the past year for the 20 somethings. Since then, I updated a brief description about the goals of this blog on my 20SB page. You can also read the archives to find out what all that was like.
Life in Kansas City as a new Kitty owner, apartment renter, adventure seeker, and as usual, procrastinator, has been fruitful. The romance of the snow falling, coffee brewing and candle burning got me in that craved seasonal mood this morning. Today was one of those days I felt in love... with myself.
Time seems to pass so fast that its so hard to stop for just a second and take in the good in life. I had a conversation with a good friend about optimism vs. pessimism. More often than not pessimists will tell you that you are delusional in your optimism. They are the realists and we are just annoying.
No one ever denied that life is hard. Yes, we can all agree that even when life does get us down, there is no use in complaining about it and getting depressed. (although I must admit, a small sick part of me sometimes takes pleasure in complaining about the changes,adaptations and sacrifices I have had to make over the past year, and how many hurdles I have had to jump. ) Indeed, its all part of the learning process. See? I just go back right to seeing the good in it all.
Some people love drama. They love to sit and dwell over all the shit they have been through. They thrive on over dramatic displays of emotion. This is often emotionally draining for the people that have to listen to you! Take note that it is important and considerate to think of those around you. We have lives that are happening RIGHT NOW. If we continue to live in our past, will we ever get to our future? Tomorrow is gone forever. The best you can do is live the now and if what you are doing right now is going to lead you to a better tomorrow- then good for you. If not- please reconsider evaluating your goals in life, cuz I don't want to have to hear about every single move you made during the tumultuous time in your life. If you can offer me some sort of lesson, reflection, or bottom line- I would be glad to listen . Otherwise- shut up and move on.
On the flip, I also think there should be more room in life for compassion and affection.
Last week, I shocked myself by a simple act of kindness. For any of you who live in KC, you all know about Jerry on the Plaza. He is a panhandler who sits on busy street corners and yells " Im tryna raise a down payment on a cheeseburger" - while holding out a paper cup in your face as you pass by. Tourists love this because they think its a funny line. For those of us who have been here long enough, we all know that Jerry is not homeless. As a matter of fact, he has a nice house. He often frequents my favorite coffee shop and talks really loudly about how much he has made so far that day etc. I have seen him conversing with my barista friends and have seen a human side to him that I never expected to come out in the past 4 years. I pass by him with out ever giving him a cent. ( At times he is rude and need I say-- annoying? ) I was driving and as I hit the stop light, there was Jerry on the corner sitting on his crate. I wasn't even thinking when I found myself opening my window making chat with Jerry. He recognized me from the coffee shop and I corrected him on my name. I told him I didn't have much. He said anything would do. Searching for change in my car- I couldn't find anything in time to catch the light. Soon after my attempt, He grabbed my hand and kissed it "God Bless" . I drove away in complete awe as to what the hell had gotten into me. I mean- I really despise that guy! Maybe I was craving human contact, maybe I wanted him to know that I knew his name. Maybe I was just in a good mood and felt like being friendly. I don't know what it was, but all I know is that I drove away with a weird smile on my face. I guess its a sense of community that was created at that moment. I still do believe he is a little mentally ill... Yes, that must have been it. Sympathy.
Next time you see Jerry out on the corner, try talking to him and listen to all the crazy that comes out of his mouth. Hey- he is a human being too. :p
Compassion is officially the word of the season. I believe that even in the most evil or plastic of people you meet they do have a heart. I was watching the Grinch on ABC , and laughed out loud at the part when the Grinch realizes he has a heart that can BEAT- and when it does he screams in pain. :p
To have passion means to suffer. Passion comes from the Latin word Passio which means to suffer ... Derive from that what you wish. There is a lot of meaning in that word. To endure... maybe this is why Mel Gibson titled the movie "The Passion of the Christ" this way?
If you are passionate, you are bound to suffer. And if you suffer you will inevitably grow.
So, be human and give. grow. be compassionate and passionate. Who knows the outcome anyway?
I see writing like giving. It takes time,some hesitation, and trust when you want to give. Even when the writing is technical or objective; You are giving a part of yourself; your mind and thoughts. Its a little something I read about in a book called Bird by Bird by Anne Lammott
I promised a post about the happenings of the past year for the 20 somethings. Since then, I updated a brief description about the goals of this blog on my 20SB page. You can also read the archives to find out what all that was like.
Life in Kansas City as a new Kitty owner, apartment renter, adventure seeker, and as usual, procrastinator, has been fruitful. The romance of the snow falling, coffee brewing and candle burning got me in that craved seasonal mood this morning. Today was one of those days I felt in love... with myself.
Time seems to pass so fast that its so hard to stop for just a second and take in the good in life. I had a conversation with a good friend about optimism vs. pessimism. More often than not pessimists will tell you that you are delusional in your optimism. They are the realists and we are just annoying.
No one ever denied that life is hard. Yes, we can all agree that even when life does get us down, there is no use in complaining about it and getting depressed. (although I must admit, a small sick part of me sometimes takes pleasure in complaining about the changes,adaptations and sacrifices I have had to make over the past year, and how many hurdles I have had to jump. ) Indeed, its all part of the learning process. See? I just go back right to seeing the good in it all.
Some people love drama. They love to sit and dwell over all the shit they have been through. They thrive on over dramatic displays of emotion. This is often emotionally draining for the people that have to listen to you! Take note that it is important and considerate to think of those around you. We have lives that are happening RIGHT NOW. If we continue to live in our past, will we ever get to our future? Tomorrow is gone forever. The best you can do is live the now and if what you are doing right now is going to lead you to a better tomorrow- then good for you. If not- please reconsider evaluating your goals in life, cuz I don't want to have to hear about every single move you made during the tumultuous time in your life. If you can offer me some sort of lesson, reflection, or bottom line- I would be glad to listen . Otherwise- shut up and move on.
On the flip, I also think there should be more room in life for compassion and affection.
Last week, I shocked myself by a simple act of kindness. For any of you who live in KC, you all know about Jerry on the Plaza. He is a panhandler who sits on busy street corners and yells " Im tryna raise a down payment on a cheeseburger" - while holding out a paper cup in your face as you pass by. Tourists love this because they think its a funny line. For those of us who have been here long enough, we all know that Jerry is not homeless. As a matter of fact, he has a nice house. He often frequents my favorite coffee shop and talks really loudly about how much he has made so far that day etc. I have seen him conversing with my barista friends and have seen a human side to him that I never expected to come out in the past 4 years. I pass by him with out ever giving him a cent. ( At times he is rude and need I say-- annoying? ) I was driving and as I hit the stop light, there was Jerry on the corner sitting on his crate. I wasn't even thinking when I found myself opening my window making chat with Jerry. He recognized me from the coffee shop and I corrected him on my name. I told him I didn't have much. He said anything would do. Searching for change in my car- I couldn't find anything in time to catch the light. Soon after my attempt, He grabbed my hand and kissed it "God Bless" . I drove away in complete awe as to what the hell had gotten into me. I mean- I really despise that guy! Maybe I was craving human contact, maybe I wanted him to know that I knew his name. Maybe I was just in a good mood and felt like being friendly. I don't know what it was, but all I know is that I drove away with a weird smile on my face. I guess its a sense of community that was created at that moment. I still do believe he is a little mentally ill... Yes, that must have been it. Sympathy.
Next time you see Jerry out on the corner, try talking to him and listen to all the crazy that comes out of his mouth. Hey- he is a human being too. :p
Compassion is officially the word of the season. I believe that even in the most evil or plastic of people you meet they do have a heart. I was watching the Grinch on ABC , and laughed out loud at the part when the Grinch realizes he has a heart that can BEAT- and when it does he screams in pain. :p
To have passion means to suffer. Passion comes from the Latin word Passio which means to suffer ... Derive from that what you wish. There is a lot of meaning in that word. To endure... maybe this is why Mel Gibson titled the movie "The Passion of the Christ" this way?
If you are passionate, you are bound to suffer. And if you suffer you will inevitably grow.
So, be human and give. grow. be compassionate and passionate. Who knows the outcome anyway?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Skinny Redhead
Have you ever started your day with a very clear vision of your goals, the next thing your know its 2 o’clock and you feel defeated? I have been dealing with issues of discipline since I was ten years old.
I have made so many lists and put them in so many places. I have books upon books of journals and notebooks and post its and magazines. Sometimes I buy them just so I can look at them. (I have a pair of impossible shoes that are never worn, but make me happy just by looking at them.)
I’m not a fan of anything colored or sparkly, lately. All the journals at Barnes and Noble make me sick. So I go for the plain black. All the time. Its like those stupid lap tops with colors and designs all over the front. Do we need to have self expression riddled all over things that weren’t meant for means of self expression? It’s a computer! Are you that desperate that even your computer has to be flailing with “look at me?” Leave it to its use, and use your clothes, or your choice in music or art for self expression.
I started speaking about distractions in efforts to get me focused. Sometimes you need to see it in writing before you realize how pathetic you are.
Ok, goal achieved. Next topic:
My biography for all my new 20SB friends. For all of my old readers who don’t know what 20SB is, you wont need to read my next entry Unless of course, you are a fan. Yea- I can be full of it too.
Kisses!
I have made so many lists and put them in so many places. I have books upon books of journals and notebooks and post its and magazines. Sometimes I buy them just so I can look at them. (I have a pair of impossible shoes that are never worn, but make me happy just by looking at them.)
I’m not a fan of anything colored or sparkly, lately. All the journals at Barnes and Noble make me sick. So I go for the plain black. All the time. Its like those stupid lap tops with colors and designs all over the front. Do we need to have self expression riddled all over things that weren’t meant for means of self expression? It’s a computer! Are you that desperate that even your computer has to be flailing with “look at me?” Leave it to its use, and use your clothes, or your choice in music or art for self expression.
I started speaking about distractions in efforts to get me focused. Sometimes you need to see it in writing before you realize how pathetic you are.
Ok, goal achieved. Next topic:
My biography for all my new 20SB friends. For all of my old readers who don’t know what 20SB is, you wont need to read my next entry Unless of course, you are a fan. Yea- I can be full of it too.
Kisses!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Your Real Age
Ugh! what was I on with that last post?! Please, excuse the bad writing. I want to go through it and tear it apart! (for you non- writers, that means 'edit') I guess that's what chocolate cake does to you.
So, I was doing something really important until I realized that I need sleep. I have reverted back to US time. Its as if my body is somehow trying to very sneakily tell me that its time to go home. And yes- it is folks. Count down within one month.
I can literally feel my heart pumping at this very moment. I haven't felt that in quite a while. It must have something to do with the chest press reps I've been doing lately. I'm so excited!
I haven't really felt Oman lately. I have isolated myself into a planning and finicky little hole. The thought of facing Omanis makes me feel like I'm forced to go on a dreaded family vacation- or something.
I can hardly walk, or shop around here without feeling harassed by a zillion eyes. I prefer to walk late at night, with nature. Sometimes you can see every star in the sky, because the air is so clear here. I'm thankful that Oman is so scenic and beautiful. Dubai seems void of nature.
If it were to rain here for a few days, the desert would be so plush with greenery. Sometimes the every day bright sun can get annoying. In Kansas, I look forward to sunny days as I pull open the blinds each morning- like a surprise waiting to be revealed. Here I don't even have that sense of anxiety. Instead- I long for a gloomy cloudy day. It brings such a warm sense of coziness. It doesn't come around these parts often. Mind you- most Omanis have never heard really loud thunder before. Imagine not knowing what that sounds or feels like, for that matter.
See? I've learned to appreciate you, Kansas.
I remember driving down K10 with sun roof and all windows open, and everything is so green. I'm tired of brown here.
But as I say this with a large sigh- I will always miss the ocean. Nothing can replace Oman's beautiful coastline.
OK, enough reminiscing about a place in which I currently reside. Oxymoron anyone?
Love Love,
MY
So, I was doing something really important until I realized that I need sleep. I have reverted back to US time. Its as if my body is somehow trying to very sneakily tell me that its time to go home. And yes- it is folks. Count down within one month.
I can literally feel my heart pumping at this very moment. I haven't felt that in quite a while. It must have something to do with the chest press reps I've been doing lately. I'm so excited!
I haven't really felt Oman lately. I have isolated myself into a planning and finicky little hole. The thought of facing Omanis makes me feel like I'm forced to go on a dreaded family vacation- or something.
I can hardly walk, or shop around here without feeling harassed by a zillion eyes. I prefer to walk late at night, with nature. Sometimes you can see every star in the sky, because the air is so clear here. I'm thankful that Oman is so scenic and beautiful. Dubai seems void of nature.
If it were to rain here for a few days, the desert would be so plush with greenery. Sometimes the every day bright sun can get annoying. In Kansas, I look forward to sunny days as I pull open the blinds each morning- like a surprise waiting to be revealed. Here I don't even have that sense of anxiety. Instead- I long for a gloomy cloudy day. It brings such a warm sense of coziness. It doesn't come around these parts often. Mind you- most Omanis have never heard really loud thunder before. Imagine not knowing what that sounds or feels like, for that matter.
See? I've learned to appreciate you, Kansas.
I remember driving down K10 with sun roof and all windows open, and everything is so green. I'm tired of brown here.
But as I say this with a large sigh- I will always miss the ocean. Nothing can replace Oman's beautiful coastline.
OK, enough reminiscing about a place in which I currently reside. Oxymoron anyone?
Love Love,
MY
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
3am
It seems I am only motivated and inspired to write in the wee hours of the night.
Im listening to Teagan and Sara- which for some reason brings me this strange sense of peace and content.
I am weary about the US economy. I was thinking about how America has deteriorated into not becoming one of the greatest places to live in the world. Thanks to Buck Fush- America is in recession- no one wants to admit it, but this is true. Do you think anything will change when we have a new president? I doubt...It'll take some precious time that most people don't have. They have to pay their bills. They have to send their kids to good schools, they have fill their cars with gas. The same gas that I pay 20 cents a litre for here in Oman. They also have to EAT FRUIT which is becoming increasingly expensive...
Do you think America is the best place to live? Im starting to have my doubts. I felt it in the air in O'Hare. People are a bit panicky. No one looks at each other.
It bothers me even more to know that most Americans dont even REALIZE that there is A WORLD that they live in... the world is NOT America. Lets not forget the gracious beauty that other parts of the world posses...
I drove to one of the highest mountain peaks here in Muscat. The view was more than breath taking. I could see the beach shore line for miles and miles. Looking below was a vast vast vast ocean spread out into oblivion. Everything below as tiny as legos. Lining the crashing waves are buildings and mountains. You know-- that song that I love? buildings and mountains? hehe...Aw, my brother has phenomenal musical taste.
Anyway...
For my graduating class- Hows the job search going? Not sure over here. With the economy and all :p
Kisses and bunchkins.
~MY
Im listening to Teagan and Sara- which for some reason brings me this strange sense of peace and content.
I am weary about the US economy. I was thinking about how America has deteriorated into not becoming one of the greatest places to live in the world. Thanks to Buck Fush- America is in recession- no one wants to admit it, but this is true. Do you think anything will change when we have a new president? I doubt...It'll take some precious time that most people don't have. They have to pay their bills. They have to send their kids to good schools, they have fill their cars with gas. The same gas that I pay 20 cents a litre for here in Oman. They also have to EAT FRUIT which is becoming increasingly expensive...
Do you think America is the best place to live? Im starting to have my doubts. I felt it in the air in O'Hare. People are a bit panicky. No one looks at each other.
It bothers me even more to know that most Americans dont even REALIZE that there is A WORLD that they live in... the world is NOT America. Lets not forget the gracious beauty that other parts of the world posses...
I drove to one of the highest mountain peaks here in Muscat. The view was more than breath taking. I could see the beach shore line for miles and miles. Looking below was a vast vast vast ocean spread out into oblivion. Everything below as tiny as legos. Lining the crashing waves are buildings and mountains. You know-- that song that I love? buildings and mountains? hehe...Aw, my brother has phenomenal musical taste.
Anyway...
For my graduating class- Hows the job search going? Not sure over here. With the economy and all :p
Kisses and bunchkins.
~MY
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Cure and Cause
I'm itching to write- but have been busy with other distractions. Here are some topics on the forefront of my mind, and some topics and ideas I'm getting ready to delve into.
Globalization: I just ordered Subway at the office and the indian who delivered it, left with saying, Thank you for Choosing Subway.
Every single day that I exist here, I am annoyed by something which I cant quite define in one word. It is globalization, pretension, pomposity, and others indirect display of self inferiority. The western saturation in the middle east is the cause of this complex I sense exhibited in people when they work, and socialize. There are a select few people that I choose to surround myself with that exude complete confidence in who they are- their roots. They also don't defend the backwardness that they live in.
Socially, psychologically, emotionally- the Arab people are constantly trying to cover up there short comings. Not because they are incapable, but because they are lazy.
Ive gone off on a tangent. Here is a quote I read that I liked.
"All of us who professionally use the mass media are the shapers of society. We can vulgarize that society. We can brutalize it. Or we can help lift it onto a higher level."
I love it. Its power. What a scary world.
Ill have to continue this later.
Respek,
MY
Globalization: I just ordered Subway at the office and the indian who delivered it, left with saying, Thank you for Choosing Subway.
Every single day that I exist here, I am annoyed by something which I cant quite define in one word. It is globalization, pretension, pomposity, and others indirect display of self inferiority. The western saturation in the middle east is the cause of this complex I sense exhibited in people when they work, and socialize. There are a select few people that I choose to surround myself with that exude complete confidence in who they are- their roots. They also don't defend the backwardness that they live in.
Socially, psychologically, emotionally- the Arab people are constantly trying to cover up there short comings. Not because they are incapable, but because they are lazy.
Ive gone off on a tangent. Here is a quote I read that I liked.
"All of us who professionally use the mass media are the shapers of society. We can vulgarize that society. We can brutalize it. Or we can help lift it onto a higher level."
I love it. Its power. What a scary world.
Ill have to continue this later.
Respek,
MY
Saturday, June 21, 2008
On the Subway
I'm still at work, and for the first time in a long time I feel that time has ceased to exist. Its 4pm, and time to leave, and I can honestly say I did not feel the day go by.
There is always so much to do and follow up on, that the small things I did accomplish are nothing compared to the mountain of work that is ahead of me. I guess that's why its important to take it one. at. a. time.
I'm a huge list maker. I have lists upon lists, in different notebooks, online, on my phone, on the fridge... It doesn't end. The more I try to organize the more complicated things become. So I try to live by the motto "What is the most important thing I have to do right NOW?" But I'm realizing the problem with this. Important things are always arising in a days time. So you end up doing only surface level things and cant get deep down to the nitty gritty. I guess this is what happens when you are motivated.
Its June 21st already. I have been back for over a month. I still feel like I stepped off the plane yesterday. My dilemma with time is not going to solve itself. Neither is my dilemma with sleep. I should have learned in college that getting up early or staying up late doesn't make you any more productive. Especially if you have stayed up late and expecting to get up early. I cant sleep normally these days. I wake up, and cant fall back asleep. I have never been such a nervous wreck! waking up in the middle of the night, falling back asleep. Ruth, do you know the answer?! :P I LOVE YOU RUTHANNE SUZANNE!
I have this strange sense sometimes that I am living outside of my body. When most of my days are spent in front of a computer screen, its easy to escape. When you are focused, your entire environment can cease to exist. When I come out of this state, I realize where I am, and how time has passed. I know I sound crazy, but its hard to articulate such a complex state of mind!!! Do you get me? ( that's another thing ppl say here which I don't like "do you get me?") -- anyway.
I posted a comment on my brothers myspace page saying how I liked his taste in music, his musical choice, his instrumental proclivity, etc. He told me that these are the signs of someone losing their mind. On the contrary! I tell him I am at the top of my game :)
Maybe he is the crazy one. I love you doodie!
I started this post with one important thing on my mind. My coworkers decided to come in the office late, and leave early. My boss is out of town, and the person "in charge" decides that we will come in at 9am instead of 8am for the next few days. Ive realize something. THEY DON'T WORK! A coworker asked me when I was going to leave, I told her ill leave when I get done... she says, oh, cuz we are thinking of leaving. ??!!? Wtf?
Ill get into the philosophy of why Omanis are incapable of doing real work later.
Oh- and also, why the gulf is swimming in money while the rest of the middle east watches.
The two are related
Love love,
MY
There is always so much to do and follow up on, that the small things I did accomplish are nothing compared to the mountain of work that is ahead of me. I guess that's why its important to take it one. at. a. time.
I'm a huge list maker. I have lists upon lists, in different notebooks, online, on my phone, on the fridge... It doesn't end. The more I try to organize the more complicated things become. So I try to live by the motto "What is the most important thing I have to do right NOW?" But I'm realizing the problem with this. Important things are always arising in a days time. So you end up doing only surface level things and cant get deep down to the nitty gritty. I guess this is what happens when you are motivated.
Its June 21st already. I have been back for over a month. I still feel like I stepped off the plane yesterday. My dilemma with time is not going to solve itself. Neither is my dilemma with sleep. I should have learned in college that getting up early or staying up late doesn't make you any more productive. Especially if you have stayed up late and expecting to get up early. I cant sleep normally these days. I wake up, and cant fall back asleep. I have never been such a nervous wreck! waking up in the middle of the night, falling back asleep. Ruth, do you know the answer?! :P I LOVE YOU RUTHANNE SUZANNE!
I have this strange sense sometimes that I am living outside of my body. When most of my days are spent in front of a computer screen, its easy to escape. When you are focused, your entire environment can cease to exist. When I come out of this state, I realize where I am, and how time has passed. I know I sound crazy, but its hard to articulate such a complex state of mind!!! Do you get me? ( that's another thing ppl say here which I don't like "do you get me?") -- anyway.
I posted a comment on my brothers myspace page saying how I liked his taste in music, his musical choice, his instrumental proclivity, etc. He told me that these are the signs of someone losing their mind. On the contrary! I tell him I am at the top of my game :)
Maybe he is the crazy one. I love you doodie!
I started this post with one important thing on my mind. My coworkers decided to come in the office late, and leave early. My boss is out of town, and the person "in charge" decides that we will come in at 9am instead of 8am for the next few days. Ive realize something. THEY DON'T WORK! A coworker asked me when I was going to leave, I told her ill leave when I get done... she says, oh, cuz we are thinking of leaving. ??!!? Wtf?
Ill get into the philosophy of why Omanis are incapable of doing real work later.
Oh- and also, why the gulf is swimming in money while the rest of the middle east watches.
The two are related
Love love,
MY
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