Destinys Destination

I had a dream a very long time ago that this would happen.

I cant explain the exact details, but something tells me that this was all known, and meant to be.

I remember vaguely where I was, and how unexpected the whole scene was. No one knew what to say, but I was incredibly happy. It didn't matter to me that others would be shocked or surprised at what they found out to be my destiny. They soon realize they had to accept it as reality.

The world doesn't always turn and work the way we imagine it to be when we are young. Almost every one of you can look back on the past five years and never expect that anything you thought at the time, would turn out completely different. All of our decisions and delusions change based on the way the world moves us. We can never, ever predict it- or control it entirely. The small choices we make each day turn into the status of your life- right now. Is the divine really involved. Who really knows anyway. Faith.

My head has a numbing feeling inside it, that will not shake with rest. Its the brink of intensity. The feeling you get when you know your mind has had just about enough. At some point, it will come crashing down. Into you... or into someone else. In their arms, or via technology. What would we do without our individual and unique coping mechanisms? I'm sure we can all learn from each other. No one can do it all alone.

In the movie, Into the Wild
, He realizes in the end- Happiness is not real until it is shared.

Whatever mine or your circumstance, I hope there will always be people in your life that will be happy for you, and with you.

Love...
MY

Looking Great

***Attn: Person from Calgary, please step forward and introduce yourself. I see you visit me everyday. ***

This is an attempt to find clarity through writing. Do you ever wonder if its something you ate, or the person you are talking to, or the thoughts in your head -- that keep you from feeling normal? - On any given day?

Today is one of those days. I cant put my finger on it, but something is just not right.

I cant shake it. Hopefully, it wont last. Someone distract me with something concrete to read maybe- put me back in my place in the world? Life is a strange phenomena, and going off of my last post, you- the reader may be able to understand what goes on in my head. This may have something to do with it.

My procrastination is my worst enemy. Its like the big elephant in the room. I need to confront him- and slap him in the face, ordering him to get out.

Ill go for a coffee. Ill take a walk. Ill read a book. Ill continue to write in the face of my unwillingness to focus on one particular "thing"

Peace.
MY

Previous Delusions

So, A boring post starts out by telling you how I am doing, and what my day consisted of. My worries, and fears. I would tell you that my Bastian had his rabies shot today. That I have been productive lately. That my inspiration is returning again.

I gave a homeless man one dollar today. I wondered why I wasn't quite satisfied with my act of kindness. Was it because I was expecting him to be more grateful? Does that mean that it was a selfish act? I found myself questioning my true intentions. He also stared at my chest as I handed him the money. Hmph. Maybe that was it.

A thought occurred to me today as I saw some Indian girls talking in Hindi. When we go to a different country we subconsciously think we must stay as we are in terms of dress, but when people from cultures who do not typically dress western, they leave their cultural dress that they were born and raised into behind and dress differently. Why? While I was in Oman, I could have saved myself much social scrutiny by dressing how the locals did. But never did it occur to me to make it a habit. It wouldnt have been that bad after all :)

Two words: The Economy.
Last month, a job loss equivalent to the entire population of the state of Maine?? Are we on the verge of collapse?

What I am about to speak is utter truth. The more sunshine a person gets, the more motivated and better they feel about themselves. Their productivity shoots up. They become more motivated in such an depressing state of the world, their lives... The same applies to exercise. So, move to a warmer climate. OR- you must find alternatives for the sunshine. :) Healthy ones.

Here are some random things I find amusing.

Over than Long Due

I sincerely dont know why the blog dry spell has continued for this long. I spend a lot of time reading all of your blogs, but I fail to contribute to my own . Is it my lack of motivation? Is it that I have so many ideas that I simply cannot pick/ focus on one? Whatever the reason. It must never happen again.

I do know that I have been preoccupied and also trying to redefine the purpose of my blog. I read a quote today about writing that was along the lines of- no one wants to read your diary, except your mother. I can easily write about my daily happenings. I can tell you what I do in a day. What I think. But I refuse. I somehow believe that when I write- it must mean something to me. I cannot ramble. I will bore myself because I know I have more important things to write about. Maybe I am afraid to take that risk.

I once found myself a very angry person when I started writing my shitty first draft for an essay I am trying to compose. You write your first draft without thinking, or editing. You lay it all out there with no censorship. How often do you do that in your writing. Write a shitty first draft about anything on your mind- you would be surprised to see what comes out. Send it to me. I would love to read it. Then I dare you to post it on your blog. If you do this, I will also post my shitty drafts. You will be surprised at what you have to say.

In the past few weeks, I have received two blogging awards. The Lemonade award and the Honest Scrap award.




Thank you Antonella (from the stupidest corner of my mind for the Lemonade award! She claims that I write with attitude, and I say that she writes with emotion. And thanks to Rosemarie from Just Moi .

Here are the rules. For the Lemonade, I must nominate ten blogs which I think show attitude/gratitude. But, I never follow the rules- so here are my top five.

They are:

Goslings Aerie
The Day to Day
Attaining the Unattainable
Just Moi
The Shared Journey


Of course, there are even rules in the blogging world. For this award they are:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here goes my ten:

1. If I could have a special talent, I wish I could sing. Sometimes I pretend that I can :P
2. I often get too excited about the cuteness, and cuddle-ability of my kitten that I want to squeeze him until he meows.
3. I check my email at least 20 times a day.
4. I miss being around people that can identify with my heritage/culture.. etc.
5. With the horrible economy and no job, I am wondering if I made a mistake by coming back to the US, when I had a "perfectly good job" in Oman. And when I say perfectly good, it only means that it was paying me money.
6. Sometimes I hesitate to write in fear that the flood gates in my head will spill more than they had intended.
7. I ran into some old friends at the coffee shop today and I was really annoyed to have to make small chat with them. Their lives seems so frivolous in comparison with the things that I am trying to accomplish.
8. I just wrote something really honest, and then erased it. I just broke a rule of the honest scrap award. You can take it back now :p I must always break a rule, don't I?
9. I cannot cook
10. I wish I could have one more day with my mother...

And the honest award goes to:

Attaining Me at Attaining the Unattainable Without going into specific detail of the particulars of a story or an event,This blog describes emotions and moments in life so artistically, and dead on. To the times when you think there is no way to describe that gut feeling, this writer has made the attempt- and succeeded.

The Lil Bee The vibe I get from this blog is nothing but happy. Its terribly cutsey, and I'm all about it.

Biscuit in a Basket I just love the title. Respects are due!

Crystal at Chances are im going to hell for this - Muslim, Jewish It doesn't matter :) Also love the title!

Mars at The Inner Workings of a Media Junkie. Her name is my nickname. She lives in the Arab world - and works there, just as I have. Her experiences I identify with. Media Junkie title more than caught my attention. Much in common!

Okay, I have had enough honesty for one night. I will soon find more in this infinite web of confessions, and all of your lives exposed ... I will find you :)
Maybe Ill get there soon too. Apparently, I am already making the right steps in that direction.

For tomorrow- more motivation. Inspiration in the lovely weather to be expected. In the progress I promise to create.

Love Love,
MY

Vexed and Perplexed

Because so often there are many many topics that I wish to blog about, but never seem to remember, I'm going to post another one of my listed ramblings of thoughts that come to mind without even thinking. This is a clear way to organize my thoughts and possibly give me focus on the topics that are overwhelming my mind recently.

1. Staying at home with a cuddly cat and being with your own company is the happiest kind of happy.

2. I dont think the show Frasier is really that funny.

3. I wish I had cable. But then remember that it would consume a very unhealthy part of my existence.

4. I really dont know how it is already Dec. 13, 2008.

5. I am slowly gaining a new obsession with vintage home decorating.

6. My kitten is the cutest I have ever owned. Seriously. I wont go into detail.

7. Im still trying to find focus.

8. Im tired of entertaining

9. P Diddy is the most cocky conceited man I have ever heard speak. Watch his last interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

10. I really want to try those new M&M Premiums. Do you think they will be all that different?

Can you decipher what im doing? Yea- me neither. Gosh I'm so much smarter than this...

Skinny Redhead

Have you ever started your day with a very clear vision of your goals, the next thing your know its 2 o’clock and you feel defeated? I have been dealing with issues of discipline since I was ten years old.

I have made so many lists and put them in so many places. I have books upon books of journals and notebooks and post its and magazines. Sometimes I buy them just so I can look at them. (I have a pair of impossible shoes that are never worn, but make me happy just by looking at them.)

I’m not a fan of anything colored or sparkly, lately. All the journals at Barnes and Noble make me sick. So I go for the plain black. All the time. Its like those stupid lap tops with colors and designs all over the front. Do we need to have self expression riddled all over things that weren’t meant for means of self expression? It’s a computer! Are you that desperate that even your computer has to be flailing with “look at me?” Leave it to its use, and use your clothes, or your choice in music or art for self expression.

I started speaking about distractions in efforts to get me focused. Sometimes you need to see it in writing before you realize how pathetic you are.

Ok, goal achieved. Next topic:

My biography for all my new 20SB friends. For all of my old readers who don’t know what 20SB is, you wont need to read my next entry  Unless of course, you are a fan. Yea- I can be full of it too.

Kisses!

Cure and Cause

I'm itching to write- but have been busy with other distractions. Here are some topics on the forefront of my mind, and some topics and ideas I'm getting ready to delve into.

Globalization: I just ordered Subway at the office and the indian who delivered it, left with saying, Thank you for Choosing Subway.

Every single day that I exist here, I am annoyed by something which I cant quite define in one word. It is globalization, pretension, pomposity, and others indirect display of self inferiority. The western saturation in the middle east is the cause of this complex I sense exhibited in people when they work, and socialize. There are a select few people that I choose to surround myself with that exude complete confidence in who they are- their roots. They also don't defend the backwardness that they live in.

Socially, psychologically, emotionally- the Arab people are constantly trying to cover up there short comings. Not because they are incapable, but because they are lazy.

Ive gone off on a tangent. Here is a quote I read that I liked.

"All of us who professionally use the mass media are the shapers of society. We can vulgarize that society. We can brutalize it. Or we can help lift it onto a higher level."

I love it. Its power. What a scary world.

Ill have to continue this later.

Respek,
MY

Catwalk

I dont have much energy right now to write, post, think, edit, etc.

Last night I had a Venti Soy Sugar free Vanilla Mocha. I was awake for a long time. Have you ever had the feeling that your body is telling you to get rest, but your chemistry - or psychology won't let you? Or you have so much on your mind - you can't sleep so you get into the destructive pattern of falling asleep, instead of going to sleep?

Television Rules the Nation

I am at a point when I know that no matter what your environment dictates. You ALWAYS have a choice. It is a choice to succeed. It is a choice to make money.It is a choice to be happy. and making bad choices- is also a bad choice.

I had been very unhappy here. Without the bad days, a person doesnt get to have an inside view of themselves. Life can force you to evaluate yourself and your environment. Im not the type to settle- take chances, break the rules and your life becomes so much more rewarding and fulfilling.

There is a difference between being obnoxious and rebellious. Putting the two together can only make a person more miserable. We cant deny what kind of world we live in. A mature person who is rebellious for his benefit has taken the time of his bad days and transformed it into something good by making wise and smart choices.

Have faith, love yourself, and keep moving forward.(not backwards) :p

Always,
M

60,000 Thoughts per Day

I dont have much energy now regardless of the Red Bull I downed about an hour ago.

Bullet Points

My boss was back in the office today after being gone for two weeks.

Sitting in an office for 8 hours a day is completely draining.

The SECRET is a bunch of recycled bullshit.

the house is either freezing cold or hellish hot.

my boss has an inferiroty complex.

arabs can be seriously incompetent.

businesses here are consistently inconsistent.

I am drinking a lot of club soda and fake beer. aka, Malt beverages.

My kittens have a lot of attitude. They broke my lamp.

I stole a list of contacts of Top Dog business cards here in OMAN.

Making a power point presentation is the easiest bunch of crap that I can pull out of .... *sigh*

People here need to grow some brains and stop being spoiled brats.

I cant get the damn English accent out of my freekin head.

Id rather struggle hard and be happy, then be happy and too comfortable.

People can go to grocery stores here just to hang out.

I have actually become a reader. aka. dork.

I made the sickest Fettucine Alfredo today.

My boss has an inferiority complex; lol - I know.

Everyone is trying to make money.

Organizing a fashion show costs a helluva lot of money.

Today, I saw real live slavery in the fields.

I'm much more talented than this.

Being obnoxious is a result of your environment- sometimes.

Egyptian kids and their parents much more annoying that I had originally thought.

TV here is all an ego competition. No One seems real!

Im starting to like the VIEW - for goodness sakes.

Im remembering falling asleep on my couch in my apartment and waking up with dry eyes.

Indians are smart, but they need to talk slower

The desert is mighty brown, and the mountains are so high.

Mosques and a mountain view is an uplifting sight.

Please start using the English Language properly.

If I hear the word rubbish, or bloody one more time----!

American brands should have stayed in America

I have too many shoes.

I have lots of stories to tell.

Im not sleepy, but so tired.

These are some of the random thoughts that im sure ive bored you with.
I have no energy to be articulate tonight. My boss sucks it out, swallows it - never to be seen again. Im looking for something else.

peace, love, happiness. - not drugs, or booze.

Love you.