I'm tormented in my writing. I have a deadline.
Its almost a year later and my entire existence seems to be scattered with tidbits , thoughts and memories of my mother. Anyone who ever said that the pain will subside was wrong.
Its impossible to find focus. I just want to write about her, and everything in my life in comparison to her seems the peak of frivolity.
Last January on this day, I was sitting next to her hospital bed, in a different country, with a different life. I ceased to exist in my selfishness and my entire life could no longer be what it was.
I cant have a single thought or emotion without questioning. Constantly having questions. Questions that I don't think I will ever be able to answer. In comparison, nothing seems real. I don't even know that I am real right now. If one year that changed your life can pass by so quickly, and can simply fade as a memory - what does it mean to really live? We are left with the memories, the pain and the lessons. They just wont go away. You are in idiot if you think you can constantly escape. I have always understood why people take drugs. Constant escapism. Dealing with yourself can be too hard to endure, so just take the easy way instead of actually suffering and learning. One only really learns when they suffer. All of the prophets suffered. No great person in history would have been remembered if they too didnt suffer. Martin Luther, you are remembered today- and tomorrow during inauguration, will be your day.
In those moments of desperation that we all have, the moment you are alone with no one to hear you cry - you remember. The memories come flooding and only then do you want to redeem yourself to the people you love, the people you hurt, the mistakes you have made.You suddenly want to reach out to the world to make your mark in life. Because you realize what is truly important in the end. But its short lived. What would our lives be like if we tried to remember those moments of desperation when we don't feel like it? When we are so wrapped up in our own lives it helps to remember those times.
Brace yourselves.
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7 comments:
wow. I am speechless. What an enlightening post. Time to step outside of myself.
My thoughts are with you on this day which must be particularly hard.
thank you...
sad but true. only with misery can you really understand what joy is, and appreciate the good times.
wherever your mom is, may she be at peace.
Wow. I have no words.
Very reflective. And having dealt with a loss myself, I know it takes time. The only thing I can say is understand that it does take time. Don't give yourself a timetable or little "benchmarks". Remember the good times, the memories, and her love..use that as a guide, and it will be easier to cope. ( =
Very moving post...I lost my brother a few years ago and not a day goes by that I don't want to pick up the phone call him! Some wounds really don't heal over time!
I know this day must be especially hard for you. I'll be thinking about you!
and now i am short on words.
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