For the Love of Life

2011-11-15T08:45:00.001+04:00

The Journey back to my blog after 8 months has been a long one. I have set up a new account with wordpress and still now trying to learn how to navigate there, write, publish and ultimately create what I want from my cyber presence. To begin to write about where the last 8 months has brought me is similar to writing about how a a plant gets rooted. A collection of stories, theories, growing pains, accompanied by new thought...

Getting Real

2011-02-23T22:09:00.003+04:00

There is abundance in the world.

There is wealth and prosperity.

The world is full of great opportunities. People do want to help you.

There is love , and you are powerful.

Be affirmative.

Love
Marwa

Yar year 2010

2010-12-21T05:07:00.002+04:00

I have not blogged here all year.

And that was a good thing.

2011 brings new things. I plan on doing some documentation.

Past posts give insight into a life that has changed.

If there were no change - I would be quite worried. Im glad to say that much.

Change is necessary.

more soon.

ciao.

snow

2010-01-10T17:57:00.000+04:00

there is snow on the ground and I'm really sick of it.

Wake up blog

2009-12-03T11:37:00.002+04:00

This is so exciting. Do you ever feel like you just woke up from a very long sleep?
When you wake up its a new world. A new place. Suddenly, everything you once knew comes back to you like a wave. You are in a constant state of deja vu.

You feel utterly connected to yourself. Yourselffff.

Love yourself before you can love anyone else.

Do yourself the favor.

Love,
Me.

Fatty Omega

2009-11-24T09:37:00.002+04:00

There arent very many places you can go when you dont know where you left off.
Or
There are many places you can go when you start at the beginning.
Or
There are many places you can go when you know where you left off.
aren't
or
can
or
don't
start
&
know

Make what you will. If you can figure out the train on thought...

less is more

2009-10-31T01:30:00.000+04:00

Happy Halloween!
Be creative.
Be safe.
Be happy :)

clear skies

2009-09-29T23:59:00.001+04:00

imperitive that I write. Drink Coffee. and stay creative.

try to surround yourself with those that inspire and encourage you to reach your potential. Staying stagnant or forgetting what you love can be dangerous.

or do you only start to love something that you are always surrounded by? What is innate vs. what can grow inside you?

The Best of Times

2009-08-13T18:41:00.002+04:00

The end of Summer is near. Im watching Nacho Libre at 9:45 am. Sad, but maybe interesting. This movie only makes me laugh because of the funny accents. Why would you care? I'm not sure. Isn't that what most blogs are these days? Random ramblings about the going ons of life? It's unclear...I just bit my tounge. Ouch. See? :p

The point is- I am writing for the sake of writing. I don't have much to say now only because I have limited my interactions with the world as of late. My life has consisted of brother, sisters, neices, nephews and my dad. [highlight - my dad]

We function as one. As it is in other cultures, such as hispanic for ex, we live breathe and move around eachother. All of our individual plans are influenced by the others. This can sometimes make life stressful. The only way to manage is to take it one day at a time.

The family structure as a group versus individual can pose problems when you are trying to be an individual. But how can one be truly an individual if you are influenced by your family? And how can you grow close to your family if you function solely on your own? I prefer the invasive interactions over the formality that might come with trying to isolate one self in becoming an "individual."

There aren't any people in the world that are as important as your family. Whether you like it or not- blood does make a difference.

The concept of family is subjective. Whom ever you consider family. Make sure to take care of them as they would you.

As much as Im not trying to be lame- I cant help but to think I sound utterly utterly cliche. Oh well. It is what it is. <---(horrible)

Its the truth.

xo,
my.

It will just Happen

2009-08-01T14:56:00.000+04:00

Its the beginning of an end. The first of August. Nearing end of summer. The beginning of... ( try and complete the sentence. do it for yourself).

Everyday can be a new beginning. As cliche as it sounds- it is true. I find that once you make a decision, everything around you seems to revolve or contribute around that decision. In the cosmos, the world will favor you. Just have a positive outlook. Nothing is impossible.

This can be dangerous for stubborn people like me. I believe in this, therefore if something is not happening the way I want it to- I force it, and I end up getting hurt and dissapointed.

So I have decided to just let the earth work without trying to worry too much. Ultimately, I do not have the control. Lets learn to just let it be.

blogging

2009-07-31T00:54:00.000+04:00

Im so bored and fed up.

The point to when you dont know what to do anymore - because no matter what you do the situation will always seem as if it will get worse. So you end up compromising some things, sacrificing, ignoring the danger that is right in front of your eyes... thinking that it might get better... if you just keep trying.

The ability to be able to look at the BIG picture.. not just the details- as important as they are in some situations, is something not everyone can do. Men in particular have a hard time talking or thinking about problems in the big scheme of life. They tend to look at the minor details. In the end you are the one that ends up looking crazy, and of course, they are innocent. Whether we like it or not- its a mans world.

If women were able to stick together as one force, and demand that we be treated as sacred and spiritual as we were meant to be- then men would rise to the occasion and treat their woman with the love and care they deserve.

But our society has desecrated women. Alas.

The big picture is that we should take a minute and deal with our demons. and not take it out on anyone else.

period.

Painstaking

2009-07-28T01:14:00.002+04:00

I have not had a headache this severe in a very long time. I am usually never sick. I take very good care of my health and try to live a balanced life.

This happens when my body goes "off". I'm set off, ticked off, fed up. Its time to completely take care of myself. I have lost myself... and im trying to come back.

I know my worth. I wont try and convince anybody of it. Taking care of ones self is so important. But when you try so hard to take care of those that you love, the balance becomes heavier on one side. Inevitably. Especially for us inherently caring women. Its in our nature.

Take some time to step outside of your own view today. Try and look out for those you love by loving them the way they need. Life is just too short.

xoxo

Never in Moderation

2009-07-25T07:00:00.003+04:00

Im feeling very jealous... Of myself.

I read my previpus posts and realized... where did this girl go? Where have I been? Has the wind taken me far enough that I have forgotten? Did I really write all that?

I have missed you of fellow bloggers. And I envy your dedication to your writing.
I have missed you. Time does have a way of sweeping you up- the difference is recognzing when and how and why. Upon coming back down- your perspective is always different. Isnt life so weird and beautiful at the same time?

I do love to write. It seems natural for me to write everyday without heistation. I feel as though once I stop writing- I stop have a lust for knowledge and the desire to learn becomes somehow less. I fail to notice the things that I would normally write about. I fail to notice the culture and life around me as I used to ..-- because writing is truly a vehicle of expressing that which you cannot put into everyday talk. I dont want to just become part of the mundane everyday existance but I thrive being on the outside looking in. What Im trying to say is- writing allows me look at the world in a different light. Because I know that later on, I can document it all.. put it in symbols and words that I wouldnt have usually come up with if I didnt have the anticipation to come home and write about it.

Okay thats enough writing about writing. You get my drift.

Months gone by, and again I sit here wondering how it all happened. Where am I going. Where is this world taking me. Is is really up to me to propel it? Or am I still waiting on some miracle to just fall in my lap?

Wake up calls all around me. I often feel I am in a constant daze. Maybe I am not drinking enough coffee.

Ill keep you posted.

MJ

2009-06-26T10:11:00.002+04:00

Michael Jackson died today. I feel completely inspired, yet so sad.

This day is symbolic in so many ways, but just yet another reminder of how precious, valuable, and fragile life really is.

I hope you take these tragic deaths (Farah Fawcett, McMahon...) as a catalyst to propel you to take the time to ask yourself, what you really want to live for, and how you want to be remembered.

No matter how invincible or immortal we thought he was - his time came, and just as no one could have predicted it- we cant do the same for our own. Inevitable.

I made a true prayer for MJ today. I know he is having a dance party in heaven now.

The End for him. but not for you.

live love laugh.

...
my

Transpire

2009-05-05T13:19:00.003+04:00

When your heart is heavy. the material doesnt matter.

the metaphysical takes over. the spirit world manifests in reality.

when your heart is so full of love that you dont know where to turn, or what to do with it. -when your mind is so consumed. you become like a drone in the rest of the worlds mundane movements.

when you would do anything to satisfy the needs, or heal the pain, or comfort a soul, when loving becomes more than you can handle. when emotional strife is an understatement. when longing becomes sleeplessness, when feeling becomes too hard... too much...

we move.
slowly.

we ignore. we exist, we try to subsist. frivolities , meaninglessness. sleeplessness.

it will haunt you. dont ignore, give it a face. look in the mirror- who do I want to be? Give in.

too many times we are distracted. too often we forget the purpose., the consequences. each little step today, makes a huge mark tomorrow. one month . one year. 20 years.

Just ask yourself.

make noise, commotion if need be. have people talking. this is your life. your love. your passion.

light fire.

love,
..
my

In The Biz

2009-05-02T00:49:00.001+04:00

I am back in business.

More to come soon.

It will be good. Hold on to your hats

....

MY

Rain

2009-04-14T01:16:00.003+04:00

The waters have dried out. Everyday is like a baron well, waiting to be filled, so it can give again.

It gives once again, replenished and ready, but no one comes. It waits. It dries.

The rain comes, it fills. It makes it hard, and it hurts as it pounds. It had enough, but it wouldn't stop. You cant tell the rain what to do. It wills itself. When the earth had enough of it, it rose. and it gave back. It had enough - it still did not stop.

The giving the taking only goes so far.
Stop. Take the course, and grow.

On Fire

2009-04-09T00:15:00.005+04:00

Here are two songs I cant get enough of lately :

Serenity Now

2009-04-08T04:20:00.003+04:00

Time stopped when you came around. The clock ceased to ring. It stayed at 12:15 p.m after a few nights ago. Its' noise was loud, obnoxious. Time was asking to stop, and let live.

Then you left and it wound. It moves on. It reminds you very slowly and gently, beckoning every hour... half hour.

It was beautiful. If not for time- we would not move. If we did not move, we would not live. Its for the moments, for the seconds, and the details we live for ... sometimes slow, fast, all in motion , and all to savor.

We made use of it- forcing ourselves to ignore its rings. So we stopped it completely. Physically , mentally, and the emotion grew and grew.

Make use, let it roll on.

love...

Destinys Destination

2009-04-01T10:05:00.004+04:00

I had a dream a very long time ago that this would happen.

I cant explain the exact details, but something tells me that this was all known, and meant to be.

I remember vaguely where I was, and how unexpected the whole scene was. No one knew what to say, but I was incredibly happy. It didn't matter to me that others would be shocked or surprised at what they found out to be my destiny. They soon realize they had to accept it as reality.

The world doesn't always turn and work the way we imagine it to be when we are young. Almost every one of you can look back on the past five years and never expect that anything you thought at the time, would turn out completely different. All of our decisions and delusions change based on the way the world moves us. We can never, ever predict it- or control it entirely. The small choices we make each day turn into the status of your life- right now. Is the divine really involved. Who really knows anyway. Faith.

My head has a numbing feeling inside it, that will not shake with rest. Its the brink of intensity. The feeling you get when you know your mind has had just about enough. At some point, it will come crashing down. Into you... or into someone else. In their arms, or via technology. What would we do without our individual and unique coping mechanisms? I'm sure we can all learn from each other. No one can do it all alone.

In the movie, Into the Wild
, He realizes in the end- Happiness is not real until it is shared.

Whatever mine or your circumstance, I hope there will always be people in your life that will be happy for you, and with you.

Love...
MY

Economic Spring

2009-03-25T08:11:00.003+04:00

It is officially spring. But my phone signal keeps cutting in and out.

My body is also objecting to the new smells and wafts of air that have floated in my face after two days of attempting to run in the park, instead of the treadmill. I prefer the treadmill.

Benedryl, Claritin-D. Welcome.

Does it end? I am in a perpetual state of maintenance and catching up. When will I tackle the big things? The big dreams and goals. It must be one small step at a time. I never listen to my stupid mantras and silly positivity. Who am I kidding.

Sometimes I honestly do not want to hear the positive jargon that people are forced to throw around in this "bad economy". The world is in the shits right now, lets face it. And if you are unemployed and looking, you know it even more. I'll still applaud you for trying.

Landing on a Latte

2009-03-18T02:08:00.004+04:00

Hello Again Everyone!

I am well, and feeling 100% better after a week of sickness and recovery. I must say - I am rarely ill- the last time I was that sick was in the bout of stress and insanity planning the Annual Women in Business conference in Muscat, Oman last year! I cant imagine that I was indeed stressed recently and that it caused the flu. I have been spending a lot of time at the gym and moving around much much much! My little niece was sick and its pathetic to think that I caught it from a 3 month old. Besides all that I am healthy and ready to attack my writing once again.

I finished reading a million little pieces. I am surprised I got to the end of it. I am a huge procrastinator and regardless of the fact that details in this book were fabricated- I took it to the end and really enjoyed it. I don't read much fiction, but I am still going to read the sequel, My Friend Leonard.

I am also still having ( a crisis of faith), and reading, Sam Harris - The End of Faith.

I wont list all the rest of the books I'm reading because frankly, who really cares? (only I care.)

Here is what is on the forefront of my observations today.

A few hours ago, as I sat in my new fave coffee place to write and contemplate, and after making my way through crowds of green, parade goers, children, strollers, dogs and drunkenness, I was beginning to think the world was good and kind- until this new barista started yelling and complaining about everyone who walked in the door to only use the restroom. So she angrily hung a sign on the door that read "NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS".

Come on lady. People have been drinking green beer since 6 am this morning. Give a lad a break :p

A man walks in and heads straight for the restroom- she tells him he cant use it unless he buys coffee. He says he will- she says "well then the line would start HERE sir. Not over there near the restroom. There is no restroom without purchase." He walked out angrily shouting "GOOD GOD!" I had to laugh.

The whole scenario caused a stir for little green Midwesterners. Until I realize that not everyone in this place is from here. Across from me was an true redheaded Irish girl, and a Greek catholic that started having conversation about the angry drunk man. She starts telling him how surprised she is about how festive Americans are for St Patty's day celebrations. How wonderful the parade was. She was also surprised to see that Americans are a lot more sober that the Irish on St. Patrick's Day. Of course lady.

She loves Kansas City and is visiting America to "take a walk with God and Jesus" - and trying to find herself on this journey. She is with IHOP - International House of Prayer. I'm seeing these people more and more. They seem to have this need to talk about their religion with every single person they talk to and frankly - Its a little annoying and self righteous. Yesterday I had a tour of the Kansas City Art Incubator and met a man holding a rat , as if it were his puppy, and he was also with IHOP. He is growing dreadlocks and is a struggling artist. He was from Minnesota. Are they in town? It sounds like a band tour or something.- Not religion. I think he thinks he must fit the mold. This wave of young cool people who are into "God" like it is fashion and cool to have a "relationship with Jesus" Is this real? Or is it just a fat community that thrives on the emotion of wanting to belong to something and attaching God and religion to it? It doesn't sit well with me.

This girl had a thick Irish accent. I realized it wasn't just an American Fad, but its all over. Something tells me this is new, young and hip- and that older generations didn't experience this brand of religion. Did young America take it to Europe? How and why do they feel it is their duty to "spread the gospel?"

The girl left and said to the old catholic man "God Bless."

So same to you.
More to come later.
I promise!

Love.

Alive!

2009-03-10T09:15:00.002+04:00

Its almost three weeks since I have posted. I feel like its such a long time. Not writing regularly goes against my nature. As if something feels missing.

Strangely, I dont know what to write about. I'll be really honest and admit to the fact that I dont want to try and think about what im writing in my blog. I realize its public and at times have become paranoid about what I put out there.

Im sure most bloggers have thought of this. Hence, remained anonymous.

Its not my intention to talk about my life in a blog. How many people really care what you do in a day? Im bored of those blogs. But I still do it.. as I am now, moreso writing about my thoughts.

Im honestly just catching a cold and am not in my creative zone to write. I just had to update though.

peace

Pancake Day

2009-02-24T18:11:00.002+04:00

This is really, really funny.

Also- today you can get free pancakes at IHOP. click here.

Have a lovely day.

Looking Great

2009-02-22T03:35:00.002+04:00

***Attn: Person from Calgary, please step forward and introduce yourself. I see you visit me everyday. ***

This is an attempt to find clarity through writing. Do you ever wonder if its something you ate, or the person you are talking to, or the thoughts in your head -- that keep you from feeling normal? - On any given day?

Today is one of those days. I cant put my finger on it, but something is just not right.

I cant shake it. Hopefully, it wont last. Someone distract me with something concrete to read maybe- put me back in my place in the world? Life is a strange phenomena, and going off of my last post, you- the reader may be able to understand what goes on in my head. This may have something to do with it.

My procrastination is my worst enemy. Its like the big elephant in the room. I need to confront him- and slap him in the face, ordering him to get out.

Ill go for a coffee. Ill take a walk. Ill read a book. Ill continue to write in the face of my unwillingness to focus on one particular "thing"

Peace.
MY

Crisis of Faith

2009-02-20T03:16:00.003+04:00

Currently reading: Palestine Peace not Apartheid. Jimmy Carter.
The End of Faith. Sam Harris
Letters to A Christian Nation. Sam Harris
A Million Little Pieces. James Frey

Currently Thinking: Music at starbucks giving me a headache.
Annoyed with stupid people. There is just no excuse.
Need a job Need a job Need a job Need a job
I love my friends. The real ones.

Here is something I wrote.

Life is a big mystery. Been feeling inspired lately and cant shake the questions. - If there were no life or existance, What is there? What is the point of it all? to serve God? If so- What does God Want? To be a good person to yourself and to others? ...Then why is it that not everyone can follow the same rules of a dogmatic religion? Its impossible. We are all created with individual characteristics, heritage, genes, and circumstances. How is it that we are all supposed to follow one formula? It doesnt make logical sense. I was brought up to always think there are rules and guidelines as to how to be a successful person on this journey called life. I was always told how I was to function in order to secure success. I always struggled with trying to make myself believe... But Belieiveing is also, Hard to believe.

Where does ones beliefs derive? From whcih ever they do. are they universal? -- regardless of whatever is worldly attached to that person?

I want to go with the easy answer to what I have always known. To learn about the techings of the prophets in Islam, and to just read the Quran. So my heart can find rest. Yet- there are so many questions.

At some point, one must choose to believe in something- but if that belief doesnt adhere to a specific religion , does that mean that person is doomed to hell? God cannot be a cruel creator, we are his creations, yet we have the choice. The "free will" etc......We are not the ultimate judges, I suppose.

It is a persons choice to look outside themselves and find whatever it is they are looking for. We cannot be force fed a prescription medication. A one way ticket.

Diversity is what makes us human. Its what makes culture. We ALL have a story to tell. Without that story, life would be fruitless/hum drum.

Without all the things that human beings latch onto to give us an identity we are no body. Its like the movie about the boy who goes into the wild and leaves all his belongings and family behind him. In the end he found that Happiness is not real unless it is shared.

Those things are important. And the balance of the material, physical, metaphysical etc. is essential to our discovery about the journey that we are all destined to take., to live.

To say that worldly things are meaningless is ignorant. It is a cop out for the immature person who wants to take the easy way out. – Whichever way it would suit him or her. Those things would not exist if they were not important for our growth. Everything has a purpose? A reason?

The human capacity to THINK, FEEL, ACT, CREATE, AND TRANSFORM is immense. We are all given that ability. The proof lies with in a physical cat scan of our brain. And- we only really use a small part of it.

Sit on it.

Chao for now

Previous Delusions

2009-02-11T11:00:00.001+04:00

So, A boring post starts out by telling you how I am doing, and what my day consisted of. My worries, and fears. I would tell you that my Bastian had his rabies shot today. That I have been productive lately. That my inspiration is returning again.

I gave a homeless man one dollar today. I wondered why I wasn't quite satisfied with my act of kindness. Was it because I was expecting him to be more grateful? Does that mean that it was a selfish act? I found myself questioning my true intentions. He also stared at my chest as I handed him the money. Hmph. Maybe that was it.

A thought occurred to me today as I saw some Indian girls talking in Hindi. When we go to a different country we subconsciously think we must stay as we are in terms of dress, but when people from cultures who do not typically dress western, they leave their cultural dress that they were born and raised into behind and dress differently. Why? While I was in Oman, I could have saved myself much social scrutiny by dressing how the locals did. But never did it occur to me to make it a habit. It wouldnt have been that bad after all :)

Two words: The Economy.
Last month, a job loss equivalent to the entire population of the state of Maine?? Are we on the verge of collapse?

What I am about to speak is utter truth. The more sunshine a person gets, the more motivated and better they feel about themselves. Their productivity shoots up. They become more motivated in such an depressing state of the world, their lives... The same applies to exercise. So, move to a warmer climate. OR- you must find alternatives for the sunshine. :) Healthy ones.

Here are some random things I find amusing.

A Solid Moment

2009-02-10T11:09:00.005+04:00

I have no words
Words will come.
Words fill my head, my heart fills with tears.
my eyes with pain, my conscious with her memory and then the words come.
The art that has always inspired me, in remembrance of her beauty- of the most true kind- keeps me moving, and thinking, and wanting to live more fully, more passionately.
Without her- I am not me. Without us, There are no words to offer a broken heart, a kindred soul, a burning flame, a love so deep, only words in writing with paper and pen with intricate letters, spellings and curves of dots and lines- would make it suffice. Would keep the art she lived for alive, the passion, the drive, the intensity to gain a knowledge of that desire and a mind waiting to be fulfilled, wanting and insisting to enrapture. It will stay within us. It will be ours, something I know bringing comfort -that you knew what it was like , it is now ours. For the same kind of pens and books of empty papers were also yours - They wont become a has been as long as I remember the flame, it will go on. When I think there is no more to give- the words amazingly start to flow - to no avail, in not knowing where they come from my hand wont stop moving and writing, something it never thought it could do. Just as I thought I was about to give up, she pushes and I feel her here with me and she is here telling me to live. She is strong writing these words for me, and the tears don't stop, and the flow keeps going and I am scared because I don't know where they are coming from, and the pain and hunger in my stomach is curling now but I am told to ignore it and keep fulfilling. One day, just one day...
The power that is in those words start to subside and the passion remains. It is a command I cannot ignore. I will keep going for her, and for me. It will be. It is meant, and I surrender..to you.
Thank you.

In Loving Memory

2009-02-06T06:48:00.006+04:00

I have a profound love for the country that I do not know. The country I hail from but have never known, never tasted and felt with my own two hands. But ever since I was a child I have felt it in my heart , beating so strong. I know that this place exists. I also know how it existed, and so happy were the people that were living there. Void of war, but full of love and compassion. Its people are strong willed. They are exuberant, hard working and some of the smartest people I have ever spoken to. Their stories never end. You can sit with any Iraqi- any where on the globe, And be entertained for hours with stories detailing the sounds and smells about this place they grew up in. But now- they feel estranged from that land they still hold so dear to their hearts. It is Iraq. Its a place my parents came from, but one that I never experienced.

Today is the one year anniversary of my mothers passing. Crying - does not suffice, remembering her doesn't take conscious effort. Hearing her voice, and feeling her presence I am used to. Her memory is soaked in my soul. Her words I remember daily. An angel on earth, there are no words to describe what she looks like, or to describe her life. No words are enough for an angel. Yet- even after one year, she is still so alive. Inside of me, I feel her presence. I only wish I could ask her questions about the life she lived. The struggles I face, I wonder if she had the same questions...The curiosity, and the pain.

Iraq is such a huge, yet small part of my identity. I never knew how to answer 'where are you from?' The same patriotism I feel for America, I feel more passionately for Iraq. The human emotion I experience when I think about the place my mother and father spent their younger years releases itself in tears when I hear an Iraqis words in poetry, the writings of both my mother and father. Both of them were poets, writers. The love letters that they shared their entire life, I now hold sacred in a small black box. Bundles of letters and pictures of my parents are spread between my four siblings and I. The adventures across Europe and The United States, Disney Land and the Eiffel Tower. The genuine, bright smile of my glowing mother and her two small children in 1975. Clad in a fur coat, ever so stylish in her kitten heel and perfectly styled hair- I wonder what was she thinking. I inherently sense the immense love she had for my father.

My roots as an Iraqi, I was born with.

I was bred with the intensity and courage to speak for myself as an American.

The two loves I have for America and Iraq seem so separate, yet so alike...

I ran back to the United States after living in the Middle east for reasons which I could not pronounce in the Middle East. In my appearance- it didn't matter. I look like an Arab girl and sound like an American. So who was I to be. I confused others constantly. In turn I confused myself. With Arab social expectations placed upon me because of the superficiality placed on how I look,compared with the standards and rights I knew I was meant to have and be able to practice as a Muslim and an American - I felt with rage in my heart - with the need to express them, the two just could not coincide. How was I to balance both world view points? Lifestyles?
Was I to behave in a manner that I was used to growing up as an American? Or alter my behavior according to how I was 'supposed' to be only because that is how I was projected outwardly? Factually, If I had blonde hair and blue eyes I didn't have to behave the way Arab society expected of me because I would automatically be considered European or American. In respect to my father and to honor my heritage - I chose to embrace it all.

I made some discoveries. I never understood why my mother or father would tell me that I am too harsh, or stubborn. Since the age of 18, I learned to be independent. Before then, I was very dependent on the people around me. I made my own way as I experienced more in life. I learned that I had to speak up, ask questions when I didnt understand and acknowledged that the world wasn't as peachy as I had imagined it to be in my younger and more sheltered days. I created defenses and became more and more jaded towards the emotions that I had once thought would be special and unique. In a traditional Arabs eyes and mind, I maybe was too outspoken. I felt it inwardly and expressed it outwardly- I always thought that was okay, until I went to the middle east and realized that compared to others. I truly was that way- but only as a manifestation of the environment I was bred into.

I was once at the airport in Muscat Oman. I was bitter to come back. I was there for my father only. An old man tried to help me carry my bags that I was completely capable of doing myself. And at his attempt, I immediately assumed that he had ulterior motives. Did it occur to me that he was just trying to be kind? As if I am pre-programmed to think that he is thinking I must be helped because he sees me as attractive, or just simply as a woman. I was reactive and defensive. Looking back, I realize I was unquestionably insensitive and resentful.

These qualms I wished I could have pondered over with my mother... What would she tell me? What would she say or think about the person I have become, and am becoming? Would I be different?

It was meant. And those questions don't matter. Because who I am meant to be has already been decided. I only have the choice to live my best life. She knew this. She would tell me to take it one day at a time, to have faith.

Question

2009-02-03T14:00:00.002+04:00

1. Who is from Calgary that continues to visit my blog? who are you mystery person?

2. Why are Ramen noodles so addictive? And resees peanut butter cups? and dark chocolate? Why are all the good/ bad but yummy things in life so bad for you?

3. How many people that are not at work do get up in the morning as if they were going to work? How many people in the world are sleeping in?

4. Has President Obama grayed? How cool is he really? is he really going to put 3.4 million people back to work?

5. How can KC weather go from single digits to 60-70 degrees in one day?

6. In an alcoholics life, is their consumption the root of evil?

* I have better questions to ask, more to come later. *
In the meantime,here is an updated version of my kitten Bastian.

Goodnight.

Change

2009-02-01T12:04:00.000+04:00

Change is relative. Change is what you are made to believe must be different. You cannot make change happen by yourself. Can change also just mean evolve? I never think that we change. I think we just simply evolve.

We are not born into the people we are today. We are who we are today because of a decision you made before, and that decision you made , was influenced by someone else's decision, and their decision was also influenced. So you see, its all predetermined. nothing is actually yours, nothing that you think you changed was truly done by you. It is the conglomeration of many CIRCUMSTANCES that were presented before you, and yours, and theirs- before that.

Circumstances have determined everything in your life. You only feel the need to get moving if there is a force, or a purpose in your cause- TO GET UP IN THE MORNING. Free will, does not exist. If we all had free will , then we would be complete products of our nature -and our nature was not determined by us either. Nothing would propel us to move. Do we make our own decisions? Or is it someone else that did for us? Our society? Our belief system that was the rise and fall of who we are today? It is our environment that is the cause and effect of the world around us. It moves you. People move you.

Without each other, -You, Me, who are we?

And those are my random thoughts/rants on change.

Bless,
MY

Obliged

2009-01-31T17:55:00.000+04:00

Its the last day of the month. I have not blogged as much as I had intended to do this month. (New years non-resolving to resolve ever again, down the drain.) I was highly distracted. I'm now making a commitment to change my environment- because I have to stop resisting my nature. I was born with it- and to fight it, has torn me to shreds that leave me all over the place. My brain and my body. So I must give in. Make small changes to help/adhere to the way I am, instead of trying to be something I'm not and constantly beat myself up. JUST GIVE IN :)

If you are lazy, undisciplined, you find no motivation in your mundane day to day- you feel you are not living up to the standards that will propel you to succeed, you are made to believe that it is a bad thing. The thing is- its not good or bad. It is what it is. Change your environment to be conducive to the way that you were born. If you are like me, you grew up struggling and asking questions to yourself about why you couldn't be more productive. You were constantly making lists upon lists of to dos. You tried really hard to follow a strict schedule. You would dream about your perfect day in which you got up early tackled your list, and still had time to relax in the evening. Its the perfect balance that we crave. Alas, it is futile.

There is a down fall. Those people who are highly disciplined and live a structured life also lack in other areas of life. They don't feel emotion as intensely as those that are labeled as lazy or dreamers, or artists. But the artists gain in other areas of lie that fulfill them in different ways. Is it a trade off? Why is that so? They are not as spontaneous and can often miss out on the small details of life that pass them by on the daily. The details in which I find- bring me happiness.

Its all about your perspective. But how to maintain that? Jobless and a horrible economy with hope hard to find on those dreaded wintry days, its hard to come across then sunshine within yourself - (if you will, I know , super cheesy analogy)
There are people in the world with much less than you have. The computer you are reading from. The internet I am utilizing as a vehicle in expressing myself, in offering perspective, is taken for granted. How easy is it for me to call my father half way across the world? To send him a text message? In an instant I can have the gratification I need to fulfill the basic needs of a human being. emotionally and physically. Feel blessed. Count them, one . two. three. You are lucky. Things will get better.

Over than Long Due

2009-01-30T11:30:00.006+04:00

I sincerely dont know why the blog dry spell has continued for this long. I spend a lot of time reading all of your blogs, but I fail to contribute to my own . Is it my lack of motivation? Is it that I have so many ideas that I simply cannot pick/ focus on one? Whatever the reason. It must never happen again.

I do know that I have been preoccupied and also trying to redefine the purpose of my blog. I read a quote today about writing that was along the lines of- no one wants to read your diary, except your mother. I can easily write about my daily happenings. I can tell you what I do in a day. What I think. But I refuse. I somehow believe that when I write- it must mean something to me. I cannot ramble. I will bore myself because I know I have more important things to write about. Maybe I am afraid to take that risk.

I once found myself a very angry person when I started writing my shitty first draft for an essay I am trying to compose. You write your first draft without thinking, or editing. You lay it all out there with no censorship. How often do you do that in your writing. Write a shitty first draft about anything on your mind- you would be surprised to see what comes out. Send it to me. I would love to read it. Then I dare you to post it on your blog. If you do this, I will also post my shitty drafts. You will be surprised at what you have to say.

In the past few weeks, I have received two blogging awards. The Lemonade award and the Honest Scrap award.

Thank you Antonella (from the stupidest corner of my mind for the Lemonade award! She claims that I write with attitude, and I say that she writes with emotion. And thanks to Rosemarie from Just Moi .

Here are the rules. For the Lemonade, I must nominate ten blogs which I think show attitude/gratitude. But, I never follow the rules- so here are my top five.

They are:

Goslings Aerie
The Day to Day
Attaining the Unattainable
Just Moi
The Shared Journey

Of course, there are even rules in the blogging world. For this award they are:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here goes my ten:

1. If I could have a special talent, I wish I could sing. Sometimes I pretend that I can :P
2. I often get too excited about the cuteness, and cuddle-ability of my kitten that I want to squeeze him until he meows.
3. I check my email at least 20 times a day.
4. I miss being around people that can identify with my heritage/culture.. etc.
5. With the horrible economy and no job, I am wondering if I made a mistake by coming back to the US, when I had a "perfectly good job" in Oman. And when I say perfectly good, it only means that it was paying me money.
6. Sometimes I hesitate to write in fear that the flood gates in my head will spill more than they had intended.
7. I ran into some old friends at the coffee shop today and I was really annoyed to have to make small chat with them. Their lives seems so frivolous in comparison with the things that I am trying to accomplish.
8. I just wrote something really honest, and then erased it. I just broke a rule of the honest scrap award. You can take it back now :p I must always break a rule, don't I?
9. I cannot cook
10. I wish I could have one more day with my mother...

And the honest award goes to:

Attaining Me at Attaining the Unattainable Without going into specific detail of the particulars of a story or an event,This blog describes emotions and moments in life so artistically, and dead on. To the times when you think there is no way to describe that gut feeling, this writer has made the attempt- and succeeded.

The Lil Bee The vibe I get from this blog is nothing but happy. Its terribly cutsey, and I'm all about it.

Biscuit in a Basket I just love the title. Respects are due!

Crystal at Chances are im going to hell for this - Muslim, Jewish It doesn't matter :) Also love the title!

Mars at The Inner Workings of a Media Junkie. Her name is my nickname. She lives in the Arab world - and works there, just as I have. Her experiences I identify with. Media Junkie title more than caught my attention. Much in common!

Okay, I have had enough honesty for one night. I will soon find more in this infinite web of confessions, and all of your lives exposed ... I will find you :)
Maybe Ill get there soon too. Apparently, I am already making the right steps in that direction.

For tomorrow- more motivation. Inspiration in the lovely weather to be expected. In the progress I promise to create.

Love Love,
MY

Glycerine

2009-01-21T06:10:00.003+04:00

Sometimes you don't have the words, or the time...

So, this is it:

Misery, Lets Agree to Disagree

2009-01-20T03:24:00.008+04:00

I'm tormented in my writing. I have a deadline.

Its almost a year later and my entire existence seems to be scattered with tidbits , thoughts and memories of my mother. Anyone who ever said that the pain will subside was wrong.

Its impossible to find focus. I just want to write about her, and everything in my life in comparison to her seems the peak of frivolity.

Last January on this day, I was sitting next to her hospital bed, in a different country, with a different life. I ceased to exist in my selfishness and my entire life could no longer be what it was.

I cant have a single thought or emotion without questioning. Constantly having questions. Questions that I don't think I will ever be able to answer. In comparison, nothing seems real. I don't even know that I am real right now. If one year that changed your life can pass by so quickly, and can simply fade as a memory - what does it mean to really live? We are left with the memories, the pain and the lessons. They just wont go away. You are in idiot if you think you can constantly escape. I have always understood why people take drugs. Constant escapism. Dealing with yourself can be too hard to endure, so just take the easy way instead of actually suffering and learning. One only really learns when they suffer. All of the prophets suffered. No great person in history would have been remembered if they too didnt suffer. Martin Luther, you are remembered today- and tomorrow during inauguration, will be your day.

In those moments of desperation that we all have, the moment you are alone with no one to hear you cry - you remember. The memories come flooding and only then do you want to redeem yourself to the people you love, the people you hurt, the mistakes you have made.You suddenly want to reach out to the world to make your mark in life. Because you realize what is truly important in the end. But its short lived. What would our lives be like if we tried to remember those moments of desperation when we don't feel like it? When we are so wrapped up in our own lives it helps to remember those times.

Brace yourselves.

Getting Back

2009-01-15T11:58:00.006+04:00

Every time I gripe about how badly I want to leave this city, or about how much the Midwest sucks, I should really drive down I70. As cheesy in writing and in speech as I can get, I must articulate exactly how gorgeous Kansas can be.

1. Sometime this past fall, I saw hundreds and hundreds of birds migrating- but not only were they simply flying in the sky above me, it was the entire picture before me as I was driving. There was a lake, a sunset, leaves blowing, trees in the distance and dark and light clouds of all shapes ... the colors of the sunset contrasted with the darkness trying to linger in was breathtaking. It was as if the dark was asking permission to creep in on the gorgeous glory of the sun, clouds, and hundreds of birds in a V flying on by. The lake was glimmering and my jaw had long been dropped.

2. Tonight, I would have never noticed this lake if it weren't for the moonlight glimmering upon its surface. The sky is clear and the half moon was bright.

3. Void of nature, but my stomach beckoning, I committed the sin of the late night McDonalds run. There in the distance- were the searchlights. (Really? Mcdonalds has search lights?! wow... ) As I'm driving I see the big yellow M in the distance. After all the nature, the M was the perfect sign of our times, and of course I submit to all its yellow and round glory. (Ok, that was a bit much- I hate fast food! Kill me now :p) I had to just laugh out loud.

I really enjoy listening to the BBC at midnight -6am GMT. I can see London bustling around , and everyone trying to get to work when , I'm here, about to go to sleep....

zzz,
my

Rights of time Passage

2009-01-13T12:02:00.004+04:00

Im way to tired to even think about what the contents of this blog post will be.

So,

Dear Blog,

I have missed you. I missed you when the New Year came in and new things started happening. I missed you when I decided that eating home made waffles was more important than writing. I missed you when 2009 rang in and everything changed but my computer was off and not to be turned on for I am just too tired. I missed you when everything changed. I missed you when I felt like I had stepped out of myself again. Once I stepped back in, I realized that writing is always the best way to organize/ compartmentalize my thoughts.

Its a new year, but I still cant seem to shake off 2008. I wanted it to stay once I realized that the more time passed by the more I would start to feel pain. I wanted to hold on to the time frame when my mother was still alive. I wanted to still be able to say to people that it had been less than a year since she passed away. I still wanted 2008 because I am not done having a grieving excuse. I dont want February to pass, as all my memories remain as if they were yesterday. 2008 was too heavy of a year for it to simply pass casually in time- its as if it ignored me and went on its merry way without realizing that I am not yet done. I am not done.

Is it that simple? Is that just it? You live, you try to make the best of it all and most times its shitty because you slip and fall slip and fall , pick up the pieces over and over and over again only to realize that your 80 years old and your life is going to end? Or how about just not knowing when you are going to die- but reminded of the guarantee that you someday will?

Thinking ahead and moving forward without having dealt with the past can be dangerous. How would a person know that what they are doing right now is not just a manifestation of how screwed up (or maybe great) their past was? Is your past always meaning to shape you?

I passed by a live shot (news crew) while taking a walk today, and as I had worked with that station in the past, a small part of me immediately wanted to go over and see what the story was all about, talk to the reporter and videographer, not only because I knew who they were, but because I still felt like I wanted to be a part of all that. But my visions have changed, and instead I just walked away. If 2008 didnt turn out the way it did- would I still have had the same career goals? Maybe I would have become compleltey oblivious and never have asked all these questions. I might have turned out to be an entirely different person. But the wind of Tv Journalism did not catch me by storm as it had originally intended. I was on that path. But apparently, 2008 had a different path for me. Now im left with the debris, and 2008 just left me here.

I guess its not dangerous, it was just meant to be.

Happy Time

2008-12-31T16:56:00.002+04:00

Im here to wish you a happy New Year.
For all the goals and dreams that are yet to be fulfilled in the coming year, I wish the best to you and yours.
Love,
my.

To be or ...Just to be.

2008-12-25T08:56:00.004+04:00

OK. I'm ready now.

Sometimes having too much too say makes a person not know what to say at all. We go around with so many thoughts in our heads... So much we want to say to the world, so much to confess, proclaim, and so much we desire in life that it becomes overwhelming and you just dont know where to start. So you simply . Dont.

Its a little thing I learned in college when I had a really long tedious paper to do or research I needed to get going on, but I simply wouldn't because the task was so daunting, .. it would take away so much from me, and in the end after I have procrastinated so much about it, I am left with the stress and drama of doing it...It seems like its the only way to get anywhere. leaving it all to the wind and then let it all come crashing out like a stream of random BS, or sometimes not. Sometimes taking that baby step of just starting on a project is half of the progress... then it all ebbs and flows and ebbs and flows...

Its what I have learned about writing, and myself.
Just do it.

I'm alone on 'Christmas Eve' - and although my family never celebrated it when I was growing up- I still have a sense of obligation to myself to neglect my daily routine and do something- anything .

Just because its a holiday that everyone else takes part in regardless of their belief in it?? It seems more like an American tradition for a lot of people more than the meaning of it. If you don't do anything special during this time of year, you inevitably feel like an outsider. Its like an instilled feeling-- or expectation that society puts on people during times like these. What if you dont have any family? What happens when all your friends are with their families... are you just expected to sit around and feel lonely? Just because........ ?

Being with family can be painful for some people. I understand that its not because they dont love them, but sometimes its because we love them so much that its to painful to be around them. The overwhelming sense that these people you grew up with are now all living their own lives. We are all so uninvolved with one another , and its kind of heartbreaking. So we simply avoid it. We go through the acts and motions of being there during the holidays and exchanging smiles and small talk because its what expected. -- regardless of all you have been through together with "these people" . Yea- you are blood.

Being with yourself and enjoying your own company is very important. Its part of self love. But being with other people or a significant other can also suffocate you. Where is the happy balance, and how can one 'keep it real' all through out?

When I was growing up, we never had a Christmas tree or lights or any other the other shenanigans. But my family would still drive around and look at all the elaborate light displays. I would still bring cookies to class in elementary school for all the holiday celebrations. I would celebrate all the holidays everywhere else outside of my own home. My parents were the kind that would drag me and my other three brothers to dinner parties every other weekend. It seemed pretty normal most of the time. The families were almost always Arab. More so, Muslim Arabs. But on one particular cold December night we went to a house with lights and Christmas trees. they were also Arab; Christians. I was so confused as to why or how Arabs - regardless of their religion would have a tree in their house. It never occurred to me that Christian Arabs existed. I asked the little girl at the house why they had a tree . She said it was for Christmas of course. at the time I was skeptical about if she had lied and said they were Muslim and they just wanted to celebrate Christmas- because that is what she had told me, or what were they really??
On the drive home my dad said that they were Muslims, but had a tree because it was just American culture to have a tree up and they were trying to copy everyone else!
Imagine how confused I was. All I knew was that we were Muslim, and didn't celebrate the birth of Jesus.

To say the least, I am still confused. Would it be okay to put up a tree and go along with the traditions of giving and the nine yards of trees and lights - just because it was fun? -Or is it not because Muslims dont believe that they should imitate? What is the real story behind all this Christmas time anyway? We all know that Santa was a fabrication... but why? And who decided that we would celebrate the birth of Jesus like this? Besides, dont Christians believe that he was born in a barn and not under a tree? I was taught that Jesus was born under a tree. A palm tree. A lot of Muslims think that by participating in all the festivities of Christmas that you are committing a sin. -because you are associating the practices with yourself - as a Muslim. We have our holidays, and we should stick to those only. When did other religions, for example... atheists, do they celebrate Christmas? Who decided that? What is celebrated because of the tradition and culture, and what is celebrated because of its true meaning? Will majority of Muslims in America get to that point too?

What is the harm? I do know I celebrate Halloween and Valentines day. Is it because there is no religious significance in those holidays? Or is Halloween a satanic celebration, as some Muslims would say, and I shouldn't have fun with that either? Am I playing with fire? God knows.

I sincerely do wish my friends, and you, have a 'merry Christmas' though. From the bottom of my heart.

xoxo

Lil Writer

2008-12-23T07:59:00.006+04:00

Im itching to write.

I have no time.

Im still alive and kickin.

I still read your blog.

My cat Bastian chewed off my internet router cord. I hate not having internet at home. but-- he still is.. the cutest creature in my life right now.

Catch up soon,
xo

Tapestry of Selves

2008-12-13T23:57:00.008+04:00

I am one of those people that always has their inbox open as the first tab in their browser. therefore I am perpetually checking my email. Junk mail arrives and I delete it. I get all the coupons from stores I shop at, and most of the time they go to trash because I tell myself that if I delete it right away I wont know the deals and I will save money.

Yesterday I decided to open an email I got from American Eagle about some 30% off. I was confused of its contents.

Since when did Glam or party girl mean a baret and a button down? I understood that it is American Eagle and their style is usually very plain aka "American" So I decided to give them another shot on click on the Ad. Yet, still- Their party shop was nothing party like. I know the brand is appealing to a specific type of American girl. The girl next door who doesn't have much creativity except to wear whatever the store says she should put together. The clothes ARE BORING. They can look really cute- but the thing is, not on all women. I know this because when I try on this American girl look it just doesn't match. I feel and look like I am in high school. It works for tall, chest less, petite women; maybe. They are leggy have straight hair and it looks really fresh and clean on them. Ill admit I have bought a few pieces from there only because I needed the basic sweatshirt that will keep me warm. I used it for its functionality, not their style.

Get Glam?? Party Girl?? Were they serious??

I used to work at Bebe. I can understand what glamourous may mean to some, but I am tired of glamorous being laced with sleazy/sexy. bebe is also way over the edge with their advertising.

So now we are told that to get attention from a man we have to wear these dresses and be this thin. So we can guarantee a kiss? I know this is not a new concept. But so many women fall for it every day. The point im trying to make is that the entire concept of glamour and sexy has been so obscured in our minds that we no longer can decide for ourselves what looks sexy. Its not about us anymore, its about everyone else's image of us. And are we so desperate to get a guys attention solely by the clothes we wear? I wonder if women went out to clubs wearing very basic plain clothes. Will they feel sexy? confident? Able to approach men? Probably not. Why?

I am not saying that its okay to look innapropriate in public. For example, I have seen women go out in public in what they think is appropriate for them. Whether it means her not wearing a bra and wearing long hippie skirts and not having her hair washed for 10 days. -Or wearing clothes that are too tight, or too sleazy for a saturday afternoon. I can agree there are certain rules of decorum. And this description would fit those who are just mentally ill. Get with times too, ya know

I had a conversation with someone about the meaning of originality. The concept of a mall defeats the entire concept of being original. A mall is a place where all "accepted" stores are. It is a foolproof place for people to go to get an idea of the current trends. It is a place where people go to buy prepackaged individuality. There is nothing original about all the stores in a mall. Its societies stamp of approval of what is acceptable to put on your body. Its a conglomerated place of social acceptance. Now, if you are one of those people that go from store to store to put pieces together, then I can give you credit for trying. But again, if you do that - you are also trying very hard to be original. So what does original mean when it comes to fashion and style?

I think I have come to the conclusion that original doesn't exist unless you are the one designing your own clothing. If you have a favorite designer in which you can identify with their styles and you wear that clothing, then good for you in supporting that designer, and good luck on your journey in finding identification in clothing.

I have gone very astray from my original idea here. I want to address glamour. What is it? How do your choices in clothing reflect your identity?

I wont go further. Please Ponder :)

Vexed and Perplexed

2008-12-12T09:07:00.006+04:00

Because so often there are many many topics that I wish to blog about, but never seem to remember, I'm going to post another one of my listed ramblings of thoughts that come to mind without even thinking. This is a clear way to organize my thoughts and possibly give me focus on the topics that are overwhelming my mind recently.

1. Staying at home with a cuddly cat and being with your own company is the happiest kind of happy.

2. I dont think the show Frasier is really that funny.

3. I wish I had cable. But then remember that it would consume a very unhealthy part of my existence.

4. I really dont know how it is already Dec. 13, 2008.

5. I am slowly gaining a new obsession with vintage home decorating.

6. My kitten is the cutest I have ever owned. Seriously. I wont go into detail.

7. Im still trying to find focus.

8. Im tired of entertaining

9. P Diddy is the most cocky conceited man I have ever heard speak. Watch his last interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

10. I really want to try those new M&M Premiums. Do you think they will be all that different?

Can you decipher what im doing? Yea- me neither. Gosh I'm so much smarter than this...

No Need to Argue

2008-12-10T10:00:00.009+04:00

Its been a while. I have been getting requests for a new post. I'll admit, it takes a lot out of me to get going on a blog post..but what I forget to realize is that once you get going with writing, it all flows.

I see writing like giving. It takes time,some hesitation, and trust when you want to give. Even when the writing is technical or objective; You are giving a part of yourself; your mind and thoughts. Its a little something I read about in a book called Bird by Bird by Anne Lammott

I promised a post about the happenings of the past year for the 20 somethings. Since then, I updated a brief description about the goals of this blog on my 20SB page. You can also read the archives to find out what all that was like.

Life in Kansas City as a new Kitty owner, apartment renter, adventure seeker, and as usual, procrastinator, has been fruitful. The romance of the snow falling, coffee brewing and candle burning got me in that craved seasonal mood this morning. Today was one of those days I felt in love... with myself.

Time seems to pass so fast that its so hard to stop for just a second and take in the good in life. I had a conversation with a good friend about optimism vs. pessimism. More often than not pessimists will tell you that you are delusional in your optimism. They are the realists and we are just annoying.
No one ever denied that life is hard. Yes, we can all agree that even when life does get us down, there is no use in complaining about it and getting depressed. (although I must admit, a small sick part of me sometimes takes pleasure in complaining about the changes,adaptations and sacrifices I have had to make over the past year, and how many hurdles I have had to jump. ) Indeed, its all part of the learning process. See? I just go back right to seeing the good in it all.

Some people love drama. They love to sit and dwell over all the shit they have been through. They thrive on over dramatic displays of emotion. This is often emotionally draining for the people that have to listen to you! Take note that it is important and considerate to think of those around you. We have lives that are happening RIGHT NOW. If we continue to live in our past, will we ever get to our future? Tomorrow is gone forever. The best you can do is live the now and if what you are doing right now is going to lead you to a better tomorrow- then good for you. If not- please reconsider evaluating your goals in life, cuz I don't want to have to hear about every single move you made during the tumultuous time in your life. If you can offer me some sort of lesson, reflection, or bottom line- I would be glad to listen . Otherwise- shut up and move on.

On the flip, I also think there should be more room in life for compassion and affection.

Last week, I shocked myself by a simple act of kindness. For any of you who live in KC, you all know about Jerry on the Plaza. He is a panhandler who sits on busy street corners and yells " Im tryna raise a down payment on a cheeseburger" - while holding out a paper cup in your face as you pass by. Tourists love this because they think its a funny line. For those of us who have been here long enough, we all know that Jerry is not homeless. As a matter of fact, he has a nice house. He often frequents my favorite coffee shop and talks really loudly about how much he has made so far that day etc. I have seen him conversing with my barista friends and have seen a human side to him that I never expected to come out in the past 4 years. I pass by him with out ever giving him a cent. ( At times he is rude and need I say-- annoying? ) I was driving and as I hit the stop light, there was Jerry on the corner sitting on his crate. I wasn't even thinking when I found myself opening my window making chat with Jerry. He recognized me from the coffee shop and I corrected him on my name. I told him I didn't have much. He said anything would do. Searching for change in my car- I couldn't find anything in time to catch the light. Soon after my attempt, He grabbed my hand and kissed it "God Bless" . I drove away in complete awe as to what the hell had gotten into me. I mean- I really despise that guy! Maybe I was craving human contact, maybe I wanted him to know that I knew his name. Maybe I was just in a good mood and felt like being friendly. I don't know what it was, but all I know is that I drove away with a weird smile on my face. I guess its a sense of community that was created at that moment. I still do believe he is a little mentally ill... Yes, that must have been it. Sympathy.

Next time you see Jerry out on the corner, try talking to him and listen to all the crazy that comes out of his mouth. Hey- he is a human being too. :p

Compassion is officially the word of the season. I believe that even in the most evil or plastic of people you meet they do have a heart. I was watching the Grinch on ABC , and laughed out loud at the part when the Grinch realizes he has a heart that can BEAT- and when it does he screams in pain. :p

To have passion means to suffer. Passion comes from the Latin word Passio which means to suffer ... Derive from that what you wish. There is a lot of meaning in that word. To endure... maybe this is why Mel Gibson titled the movie "The Passion of the Christ" this way?

If you are passionate, you are bound to suffer. And if you suffer you will inevitably grow.

So, be human and give. grow. be compassionate and passionate. Who knows the outcome anyway?

Another Playground

2008-11-28T22:56:00.008+04:00

I always write the title of my blogs by randomly choosing words, by the way the sound- at the end of writing my post.

Its Black Friday. Every year I get into the hype of it before the actual day. I then make an attempt to take advantage of the doorbusters. Today it ended immediately after walking into one store and waited in line. People are totally disgusting when it comes to shopping. Especially women. I worked retail for a long time in college- seeing women scramble in lines and spend money that they dont have is indicative of this consumer driven society we live in. (Is that what makes us powerful as a country? Our customer service skills? Our fake attempts at making the clientele feel special and taken care of at the store? Is it that "personal touch" that makes us buy more? Why are we constantly trying to prove to others - when it comes to spending? Women get so weak when someone is trying to sell them...Ive been that sales person, I dont like doing it.)

Holidays in the states turns people into a frenzy, and instead of everyone buckling down and preventing themselves from drowning in bills, they run out to get more more more. Its a sickness. Today I refused to be a part of that. If the holidays are about giving, then give to yourself. And for the people you love, do something thoughtful that they will appreciate and remember.. Cuz the gift you give them will end up on the floor in a few months.

I got flooded with well wishing thanksgiving text messages yesterday that varied in context. One of them :

"Happy commemorative day of genocide of an indigenous people. Our greatness as a country was a result of mass murder. Enjoy your pie. "

Ha Ha! I laughed out loud- But, has anything changed this year? Actually, has anything changed in the history of America? Oh wait- we are still doing that. Oh yea! I forgot! My roots hail from the country of Iraq! How silly of me to forget. Lets keep invading countries, and stealing their resources. Is that what we are made of? It makes me so sick. What are we built on? I have no room to be cheery right now. Ill admit I love the holidays, the spirit, and my salted caramel hot chocolate from Starbucks. I just constantly avoid the thought of the dreadful state of the rest of the world. One of which I come directly from. Iraq. I am first generation. Ultimately it saddens me because there is nothing I can do except sip my freaking latte. I love the spirit of this country and its that feeling that keeps me preoccupied and distracted. Is that a good thing? Is it an emotional survival mechanism? God forbid we think about whats happening in other parts of the world.

Happy Holidays America.

Love,
your Iraqi American friend.

Skinny Redhead

2008-11-19T00:25:00.002+04:00

Have you ever started your day with a very clear vision of your goals, the next thing your know its 2 o’clock and you feel defeated? I have been dealing with issues of discipline since I was ten years old.

I have made so many lists and put them in so many places. I have books upon books of journals and notebooks and post its and magazines. Sometimes I buy them just so I can look at them. (I have a pair of impossible shoes that are never worn, but make me happy just by looking at them.)

I’m not a fan of anything colored or sparkly, lately. All the journals at Barnes and Noble make me sick. So I go for the plain black. All the time. Its like those stupid lap tops with colors and designs all over the front. Do we need to have self expression riddled all over things that weren’t meant for means of self expression? It’s a computer! Are you that desperate that even your computer has to be flailing with “look at me?” Leave it to its use, and use your clothes, or your choice in music or art for self expression.

I started speaking about distractions in efforts to get me focused. Sometimes you need to see it in writing before you realize how pathetic you are.

Ok, goal achieved. Next topic:

My biography for all my new 20SB friends. For all of my old readers who don’t know what 20SB is, you wont need to read my next entry  Unless of course, you are a fan. Yea- I can be full of it too.

Kisses!

Coffee Dreams

2008-11-16T02:36:00.001+04:00

Im starting new. Its been a long time coming. I have been waiting on this chance for a while now. The chance to write uninhibited.

There is only so much you can hide from the world, and im slowly learning that I cant censor the truth about my existence separate and apart from my identity that I was born with.

Ive realized that to shed parts of you that make you an individual - slowly takes you closer to learning about what you really love and who you are apart from society... expectations.... crap.

Im settling, moving and trying to establish myself. Oman days are over, and I feel back in my element :)

love ....

Lights, Camera, Action!

2008-09-04T15:26:00.003+04:00

Hi. Im leaving soon.

I feel indifferent. - and I hate indifference. Ive been waiting for this for a long time. Its as if suddenly, I'm not a kid anymore. But at the same time -- travelling alone is not as exciting as it used to be. I always travel alone! I wish I had someone to play with on the ride home. maa :(

But thats not what im trying to say! What I want to say exceeds the amount of time I have to post this blog. Practically, I am all packed up and ready to roll. But im a bit torn up inside about leaving. Ce La Vie, life must go on, on the tracks, on the presses- whatever! and im excited about that- to say the least!

Oman will always be a place I come back to. Its a home away from home. And it really carries a special place in my heart. Im thinking about it as how I am going to remember it in the future, and it brings warmth and sushine to my heart- because ive learned. so. so. much... now lets not forget that ;)

Its the beginnig of the ending, and the beginning of a beginning. :p

(Have you ever noticed that when you say or write a word three times or more it suddently looks and sounds really strange? lol)

well now.......

I spent a lot of time at the start of the year resenting the fact that I am here. I spent a lot of moments reminising about the life I used to have. I used to talk a lot about how "messed up" things are here, and its taken me some time to really understand WHY things are the way they are here. I now see the stark differences clearly and can interpret things with a more open mind instead of using clouded- one track minded thinking- I learned to accept , and in the end can clearly filter out the good and bad from both sides of the culture. Every culture has its baggage, and I shouldnt have ever been the one to keep tabs. Im glad ive come to the realization in which I can learn openly, and nicely...

and I do like it here. :O

There has to be another post later on about tolerance and community in the arab world vs the western one.

Its been good yall. Ill see you soon, here or there... ;)

Null and not Void

2008-08-27T06:03:00.002+04:00

Being here in Oman was the most selfless thing I have done in a long time.

Im totally refreshed. and truly new.

For the first time in a long time, ive realized how selfish I have been in the past.
Life gets distracting when you are juggling so many things, you lose perspective- and forget whats important. This is soppy- but hear me out, cuz its so true.

We so often complain about the things that we dont have, or the things in life that we want- or the pressures and sacrifices we have made-- We also very often forget that the world we create for ourselves is not the high all end all. There are other people in your life that may need you. There are people in your life that truly have your best interest at heart. We are selfish. Our culture can be a selfish and sick one- if you let it dictate you. Families dont want to get involved in eachothers lives, cuz we all make sure that we are not stepping on eachothers tails, or that we are getting too close. What happened to the days when you called your brother or good friend just to say hello and see whats going on in their life.. ask about them perhaps? -- without them asking what it is you want? I wonder how many people out there take time out of their lives to just call others that mean something to them, without really xpecting anything in return.Maybe im exagerrating a bit- because I know plenty of families that do do that, including my own- and im very thankful for that.

I dont know how I got on that tangent. I guess I suddenly realized how much I have learned by being here- as the time comes nearer for me to leave.

I thank God. Without God and religion, we are nothing. Without it, we can easily neglect to count the blessings in our lives, and truly mean it.

Now go call your mother.

xoxo...
...

Your Real Age

2008-08-12T05:08:00.004+04:00

Ugh! what was I on with that last post?! Please, excuse the bad writing. I want to go through it and tear it apart! (for you non- writers, that means 'edit') I guess that's what chocolate cake does to you.

So, I was doing something really important until I realized that I need sleep. I have reverted back to US time. Its as if my body is somehow trying to very sneakily tell me that its time to go home. And yes- it is folks. Count down within one month.

I can literally feel my heart pumping at this very moment. I haven't felt that in quite a while. It must have something to do with the chest press reps I've been doing lately. I'm so excited!

I haven't really felt Oman lately. I have isolated myself into a planning and finicky little hole. The thought of facing Omanis makes me feel like I'm forced to go on a dreaded family vacation- or something.

I can hardly walk, or shop around here without feeling harassed by a zillion eyes. I prefer to walk late at night, with nature. Sometimes you can see every star in the sky, because the air is so clear here. I'm thankful that Oman is so scenic and beautiful. Dubai seems void of nature.

If it were to rain here for a few days, the desert would be so plush with greenery. Sometimes the every day bright sun can get annoying. In Kansas, I look forward to sunny days as I pull open the blinds each morning- like a surprise waiting to be revealed. Here I don't even have that sense of anxiety. Instead- I long for a gloomy cloudy day. It brings such a warm sense of coziness. It doesn't come around these parts often. Mind you- most Omanis have never heard really loud thunder before. Imagine not knowing what that sounds or feels like, for that matter.

See? I've learned to appreciate you, Kansas.

I remember driving down K10 with sun roof and all windows open, and everything is so green. I'm tired of brown here.

But as I say this with a large sigh- I will always miss the ocean. Nothing can replace Oman's beautiful coastline.

OK, enough reminiscing about a place in which I currently reside. Oxymoron anyone?

Love Love,
MY

Eye Of Your Mind

2008-08-09T06:15:00.004+04:00

Try asking me why I cant sleep?
Or why I cant move?
Is this what it means to truly feel a loss?

Blame the espresso, or the chocolate cake.
but just dont ask me why.

A loss in time -look behind you.
you cant even feel the ground beneath your feet.

if you are catching up, take a sec to look around you instead.

-
Need a little time to wake up, wake up.
To rest your mind, you know you should so I guess you might as wellllll........
So, whats the story, morning glory?

-OASIS

The story is that -- here-- you are in the middle of the desert. Im telling you, people wont change. Bedoins are still doing what their ancestors did, even though they have all the resources and technology in their hands. No matter how the world changes, if minds dont grow with it, we stay in the stone ages.

I remember when I was in the hospital with my mother, bedoin women in the hospital used to come say hello and visit. On one days chat with one of the women, she asked me what the weather was like in America, and during our conversation that I kept carrying on because I thought it was interesting- I realized that this woman still didnt know that the earth was round. She didnt know why time was different in America vs Oman. I tried to explain it to her- and all the information was new. I gave her the benefit of doubt-- She recognized that she didnt have a formal education. I respected that. She was still confident, strong and secure with herself- not embarressed. There are too many lessons in this story - I cant get into it. :p

She kept telling me that she was going to find me a husband and that I had to get married.

I wont forget her face.

She had a cell phone in her pocket. She would answer it - but did it ever occur to her how sound can travel through a tiny device , and that the person on the other end was in an entirely different location, yet- that time IS DIFFERENT on other parts of the globe?

Her face was clear, brown and full., she had perfect teeth and such a pretty smile.
She covered it with a scary bedoin -- what I like to call-- 'mask', that my cat would even run away from upon encounter.

Tell me to stop thinking, cuz I can't unless im asleep. Even then my brain wont stop.
You've heard my dreams.

Arrivederci friends...

~MY

3am

2008-08-05T03:09:00.003+04:00

It seems I am only motivated and inspired to write in the wee hours of the night.

Im listening to Teagan and Sara- which for some reason brings me this strange sense of peace and content.

I am weary about the US economy. I was thinking about how America has deteriorated into not becoming one of the greatest places to live in the world. Thanks to Buck Fush- America is in recession- no one wants to admit it, but this is true. Do you think anything will change when we have a new president? I doubt...It'll take some precious time that most people don't have. They have to pay their bills. They have to send their kids to good schools, they have fill their cars with gas. The same gas that I pay 20 cents a litre for here in Oman. They also have to EAT FRUIT which is becoming increasingly expensive...

Do you think America is the best place to live? Im starting to have my doubts. I felt it in the air in O'Hare. People are a bit panicky. No one looks at each other.

It bothers me even more to know that most Americans dont even REALIZE that there is A WORLD that they live in... the world is NOT America. Lets not forget the gracious beauty that other parts of the world posses...

I drove to one of the highest mountain peaks here in Muscat. The view was more than breath taking. I could see the beach shore line for miles and miles. Looking below was a vast vast vast ocean spread out into oblivion. Everything below as tiny as legos. Lining the crashing waves are buildings and mountains. You know-- that song that I love? buildings and mountains? hehe...Aw, my brother has phenomenal musical taste.

Anyway...

For my graduating class- Hows the job search going? Not sure over here. With the economy and all :p

Kisses and bunchkins.
~MY

Social Ecosystem

2008-07-24T13:49:00.002+04:00

Im sitting in Marco Polo Hotel in Dubai. Ive been in this hotel room all morning because I have been craving and forcing myself to park down. take a breather. and think.

Im excited about what the Arab Gulf is doing. There are many business opps here, but why isnt there an aquarium? or an amusement park? or a proper zoo? It made me think about all the American influences I have about what other forms of entertainment there may be besides nightlife, shopping, eating and this constant consumerism- the things that I used to enjoy when I was a kid. What ever happened to good old fashion healthy fun? Dubai is still thinking about building more and more towers. This place needs a Sea World or something. I also thought about how there are not enough things to do for children over here. Its a complete adult world, and I wouldnt take my kid out at night here. A lot of risk for too much -exposure- for children at a young age.

Its easy to get into your own head, and create a world for yourself here because everything around you seems familiar. Im sitting in a nice hotel room, watching CNN -"Black in America" on a large flat screened LG TV. I hear police sirens outside, Im wearing my teal bebe terry cloth pants, munched on a few Jelly Bellys, -- point is, every material thing I have makes me feel right at home. Right Ok with myself. Even as I think about going down to the lobby, socializing, or doing whatever it is I do in a day- things are not as different on the OUTSIDE as people may think. Im still surprised with how many americans have no idea where Dubai is. Maybe its the midwest...

working here is a different ballgame. An american would saturate himself with other americans here, and do american things, and feel right at home. To have both worlds around you all the time, is definately harder to decipher. Arab, american,iraqi, muslim.

Todays Motto: Listen to your own voice.

Cure and Cause

2008-07-17T13:18:00.004+04:00

I'm itching to write- but have been busy with other distractions. Here are some topics on the forefront of my mind, and some topics and ideas I'm getting ready to delve into.

Globalization: I just ordered Subway at the office and the indian who delivered it, left with saying, Thank you for Choosing Subway.

Every single day that I exist here, I am annoyed by something which I cant quite define in one word. It is globalization, pretension, pomposity, and others indirect display of self inferiority. The western saturation in the middle east is the cause of this complex I sense exhibited in people when they work, and socialize. There are a select few people that I choose to surround myself with that exude complete confidence in who they are- their roots. They also don't defend the backwardness that they live in.

Socially, psychologically, emotionally- the Arab people are constantly trying to cover up there short comings. Not because they are incapable, but because they are lazy.

Ive gone off on a tangent. Here is a quote I read that I liked.

"All of us who professionally use the mass media are the shapers of society. We can vulgarize that society. We can brutalize it. Or we can help lift it onto a higher level."

I love it. Its power. What a scary world.

Ill have to continue this later.

Respek,
MY

Maestra of House

2008-07-15T12:29:00.003+04:00

A blog entry is long overdue. Its as if im working on autopilot... trying to make it through the perpetual routine, the constant chatter which I expertly block out with my ever so handy dandy, of course, IPOD.
-Because I am in the midst of the Hum Drum, here is my June July 08 Favorite Music Compilation, enjoy at your own volition...

Starts with song name, artist, then album.

Rej/Âme/Eivissa 2006-Defected in the House [Disc 2]

Some Kinda Rush/Booty Luv/The Mix 2008: Hed Kandi's Deluxe Mix Of Disco Kandi[Disc 2]

Love Is On My Mind/Dogsax Feat. Rietta Austin/The Mix 2008:Hed Kandi's Deluxe Mix Of Disco Heaven [Disc 3]

What Happens Tomorrow/Duran Duran/Ultra.Dance 07 [Disc 1]

Fire (Original Mix)/Ferry Corsten/Ultra iDance 05, Disc 2 (Mixed by Johnny Budz)

Say Say Say (Waiting 4 U)/Hi_Tack/Ultra.Dance 07 [Disc 1]

Jansa-y-Juju/Mainstreet/Eivissa 06 [Disc 1]

Reason For Love/Quentin Harris/No Politics

Sun Is Shining (Spencer & Hill Radio Edit)/Yanou/Ultra 2008 - The Singles

Inside Out (DJ Memê Remix)/Belezamusica/The Mix 2008: Hed Kandi's Deluxe Mix Of Disco Heaven

The Cure & The Cause (Dennis Ferrer Remix)/Fish Go Deep Feat. Tracey K Eivissa 06 [Disc 1]

Da Bump/Mr.V/Eivissa 2006-Defected in the House [Disc 2]

Waiting 4 (Hi_Tack UK Club Mix)/Peter Gelderblom/The Mix 2008 [Disc 1]

My Joy/Quentin Harris/No Politics

JOY/Quentin Harris/No Politics

Maestros Of House/Soul Creation/Eivissa 2006-Defected in the House [Disc 2]- Love This one!!

Get Down/Todd Terry Allstars Feat. Kenny Dope, DJ Sneak, Terry Hunter & Tara McDonald The Mix 2008: Hed Kandi's Deluxe Mix Of Disco Heaven [Disc 3]

Buildings and Mountains

2008-07-11T21:16:00.002+04:00

I have a random memory of going to a particular park as a child. The image is so clear. And so 1980’s. My family and I would drive up a long winding road that leads to a large spacious grassy area surrounded by trees. In the corner on the right side near tall pine trees there was this lonely rusty slide. It had one of those hoods when you climb up the stairs. It was such a big deal when we were kids to climb a tall ladder and slide down. Whe nyou are so small the slide looks so big. I even remember my older brother telling me that I shouldn’t try that slide because it was too big for me and I couldn’t do it. Hahaha. Now I look back and wonder if he said that because he wanted to protect me, or he wanted to make fun of the fact that I was smaller and he was superior to me. How I precieved it as a child is a whole different story…..:)

Patience is not a Virtue

2008-07-02T13:18:00.004+04:00

A person can only virtuous when it is a CHOICE. Being GOOD by default, -- because one is faced with a situation he is forced to handle without having frequent conniptions doesn't automatically make him GOOD or VIRTUOUS.

Of course there is the issue of nature... which I wont get into right now.

Ive had a hellish morning. I got in to a car accident last night. Ive had serious car issues this morning. All of them just a series of unfortunate events.

The traffic flow in Oman is based on roundabouts, circles if you will. It means that every intersection is a constant flow of yielding. Preventing accidents becomes a matter of the 'careful driver' I prefer traffic lights. GO AND STOP. Roundabouts carry the risk of someone reckless to take chances, and drive faster. The roundabout trusts that people are going to be cautious when entering and leaving. Sometimes, they ARE NOT.

Last night a subdued young lady driving a pearl white Lexus hit me. I cant draw the diagram of how it happened. But it happened. My VW Polo GTI is fine. Im fine. I spun in a half circle while braking. I thought that the rear end of my car was totaled. It wasn't, there are dents. and cracks on the bottom spoiler. Its a sports edition. cute car. no prob to fix. Everything that happened next is what drove me to utter impatience.

Usually, when an accident occurs and you are the driver- you GET OUT OF THE CAR and take a look, maybe start talking to the other driver, maybe start screaming, I dunno!! I just know that I felt completely exploited walking out of my car, because first. I'm a woman. second, because the other car with two women. just sat there. didn't get out at all. Either they don't know how to take charge, or they are just used to everyone taking care of things for them. I'm assuming because they are driving a 2008 Lexus- that they have maids, and drivers, and cooks. and and and.

A guy in another car stopped and started taking care of everything. This is just such a male dominated country. UAE- not as much.

My US passport saved me. It was easy to play the incoherent foreigner who knows little arabic. I couldn't understand the police men-- whom are literally kids. Bedouins. dressed in uniform like they are something special. Call me bitter!

They were nice to me. After some time explaining what happened. I got handed the phone of someone who speaks English and can tell me what to do. Welcome to Oman. you are our visitor he says. don't worry about anything. :O

I can understand and speak Arabic very fluently. Sometimes - Omanis get tricky and start speaking Swahili. Or they talk so fast in Arabic, I need to slow down and speak English.

I went to the station. The other girls in the car came, I asked if they were OK, yes. they were OK, I didn't hear their voice.- and they didn't ask me if I was OK either.

I took off this morning from work to go to the insurance company. After about 30 min of trying to explain to them that I am allowed to drive in Oman with an American license for up to three months, they just went on with the process. All the officialism here are dealt and confirmed by simple word of mouth. Not by facts. So ive learned the game and played that card.

I payed $250 bucks to the company to fix the car. Apparently its my fault. As on other occasions Ive had with the law here, Ive learned to let it go. Mashil 7al.

I left. I needed cash. went to an ATM, and lo and behold, as I'm locking the car door, the key gets stuck in the door. After an hour of security guards and dismantling my door, they got it out.

Ive had horrible luck today. As I left, I got lost and because the roads don't allow you to exit frequently, I had to drive faaar in the direction of Dubai in order to turn back around again. Silly British road construction influence.

I left my father totally innocent of all these happenings. If you had an Iraqi father- you would know why ;)

Love,
MY

Illumination

2008-06-28T02:18:00.003+04:00

I've arrived about an hour ago. Im wondering how long I would have to sit and write to document all the intricacies in each experience I had. Everything as simple as sitting in a hotel lobby and just observing the people, journalistic-ally speaking, the sites and sounds have so much to offer, so much to explore...

In any case, I did manage to write about the first part of my small getaway from Oman. I will post more as the week continues.

~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Friday June 27, 2008 1:51 a.m.

Im sitting in the hotel room after a long day road tripping and evening spent navigating, and trying to communicate the needs of a simple tourist.

The road from Muscat to Dubai fits the perfect description: Simple yet Complicated.
A landscape of tiny towns, surrounded by mountains, sand and strewn brushes, bushes and trees that only survive by the grace of Allah in a land so baron of water.

Upon arriving at the United Arab Emirates- Sultanate of Oman border, we faced – what I thought would be a simple visa stamp. After about four kilometers of the Omani passport check we reached the Emaraty border crossing. This time we had to go to a special window, standing shoulder to shoulder – side by side with cues of foreigners trying to get their visas. Lebanese, Indians, Australians, Syrians, Philipinos, English all of us in the 115 F heat WAIT for a silly little man behind the window to record each persons entry of the country. Just when you think you are stamped and ready to go, he reminds us that we must go get insurance and come back. Now the advantage of living in a chaotic system is that people can get away with a lot more. Mainly because people here feel they own a right by their suffering to take advantage of others. In this case it means that I can hold my place in line while my dad goes to buy car insurance and that others take their turn in getting visas. The moment dad comes back with a receipt- we can easily butt right back in and resume our visa certification. I’m assuming in Western countries you go to the end of the line. Don’t you dare try and CUT, because if you do you are violating my time. Maybe in these countries it seems more human and courteous to get away with such small things. At the same time, it is also courteous to go back to the end of the line. In both situations and places, its working; but one possibly less painful.

The sand dunes in Dubai are just gorgeous. The way the sun hits its curves and lines the top creating shadows that experiencing such a view you just know that even if the worlds best painter painstakingly stroked his brush, would never be able to create such beauty and perfection.
They go so high and are so consistent. How can the wind move and align them in such a strategic fashion…? Subhanallah…

Not before long we saw Dubai's evening skyline, skyscrapers lined like legos- you stare at the wonderment that man can also create. This realization just sends cold shivers down my back. ….. Need I say more……….?

Burj Dubai is simply scary….

For those of you who don’t know , its soon to be one of the worlds tallest buildings. In Jeddah, Saudi Arabia there is a plan in progress to build a much taller one…. By far.

This is the part of Dubai that is unsettling. The master minds that are coming up with these concepts, and the poor and underpaid immigrants that are physically putting it all together. There is more. It gets worse day by day, as it gets taller and taller.

There is just so much to write about….talk about… Its late, and I must get to bed.

Love love,
MY

Paradise

2008-06-26T12:58:00.003+04:00

Im going to Dubai for a night.

Driving there with baba.

Gotta leave. Write all about it later.

Kisses and bunchkins.

Catwalk

2008-06-25T19:30:00.002+04:00

I dont have much energy right now to write, post, think, edit, etc.

Last night I had a Venti Soy Sugar free Vanilla Mocha. I was awake for a long time. Have you ever had the feeling that your body is telling you to get rest, but your chemistry - or psychology won't let you? Or you have so much on your mind - you can't sleep so you get into the destructive pattern of falling asleep, instead of going to sleep?

Just a Joint

2008-06-25T19:06:00.003+04:00

When you are surrounded by monkeys, frustration is an under statement. One of the monkeys decided to use the time and money that she is getting paid during her workday to get her hair and nails done because she is going to a wedding. Of course, to the monkey- it’s totally justifiable. Because when a monkey wants to jump in your room and steal something, they don’t talk about it. They just do it. They think it’s totally okay, because they are just trying to survive. Other people’s time, energy, effort can easily be overlooked, just as long as the Queen Gorilla doesn’t notice that princess monkey is taking from the colonies assets. When you live like a princess you think you are entitled to every luxury….

On the Subway

2008-06-21T16:05:00.003+04:00

I'm still at work, and for the first time in a long time I feel that time has ceased to exist. Its 4pm, and time to leave, and I can honestly say I did not feel the day go by.

There is always so much to do and follow up on, that the small things I did accomplish are nothing compared to the mountain of work that is ahead of me. I guess that's why its important to take it one. at. a. time.

I'm a huge list maker. I have lists upon lists, in different notebooks, online, on my phone, on the fridge... It doesn't end. The more I try to organize the more complicated things become. So I try to live by the motto "What is the most important thing I have to do right NOW?" But I'm realizing the problem with this. Important things are always arising in a days time. So you end up doing only surface level things and cant get deep down to the nitty gritty. I guess this is what happens when you are motivated.

Its June 21st already. I have been back for over a month. I still feel like I stepped off the plane yesterday. My dilemma with time is not going to solve itself. Neither is my dilemma with sleep. I should have learned in college that getting up early or staying up late doesn't make you any more productive. Especially if you have stayed up late and expecting to get up early. I cant sleep normally these days. I wake up, and cant fall back asleep. I have never been such a nervous wreck! waking up in the middle of the night, falling back asleep. Ruth, do you know the answer?! :P I LOVE YOU RUTHANNE SUZANNE!

I have this strange sense sometimes that I am living outside of my body. When most of my days are spent in front of a computer screen, its easy to escape. When you are focused, your entire environment can cease to exist. When I come out of this state, I realize where I am, and how time has passed. I know I sound crazy, but its hard to articulate such a complex state of mind!!! Do you get me? ( that's another thing ppl say here which I don't like "do you get me?") -- anyway.

I posted a comment on my brothers myspace page saying how I liked his taste in music, his musical choice, his instrumental proclivity, etc. He told me that these are the signs of someone losing their mind. On the contrary! I tell him I am at the top of my game :)
Maybe he is the crazy one. I love you doodie!

I started this post with one important thing on my mind. My coworkers decided to come in the office late, and leave early. My boss is out of town, and the person "in charge" decides that we will come in at 9am instead of 8am for the next few days. Ive realize something. THEY DON'T WORK! A coworker asked me when I was going to leave, I told her ill leave when I get done... she says, oh, cuz we are thinking of leaving. ??!!? Wtf?

Ill get into the philosophy of why Omanis are incapable of doing real work later.

Oh- and also, why the gulf is swimming in money while the rest of the middle east watches.
The two are related

Love love,
MY

Daylight Robbery

2008-06-20T11:38:00.002+04:00

Ive just stopped everything im doing because I had a sudden moment of inner rage.

A friend of mine whom I have been corresponding with for a few years, recently went to Dubai for the first time and is telling me how disgusting it is.

I am glad to hear someone else say this. Everyone in the gulf constantly boasts about Dubai. I will admit its gorgeous, luxurious, a good time, but at what cost.

All the tall buildings and constant construction. it has lost all human touch. the cars, the hotels, the roads, the malls after mall after mall. really nice but I felt a little sick.

How can these people justify this when there are people in Palestine and there is literally a world food famine occuring?

anyway, these are my simple thoughts right now. will expand later. I had to write before I forgot.

love love ...

The Grill House

2008-06-17T14:18:00.004+04:00

Its bout time for a new post people. I have these urges to write, and it keeps getting postponed. Maybe I just have to realize that its impossible to document every interesting thing about Oman.

My latest news:

I went to a wedding a few weekends ago. It was at a five star hotel. It was extremely glamourous, luxurious and most definately- ridiculously expensive. I wore a dress that made me feel like a princess. Pictures are attached. Ive learned that dressing up for a wedding in the middle east is about making sure that no one else has ever seen what you put on. Its about being creative, not about stylish or trendy or classic. I saw some of the most gorgeous dresses, and also some of the ugliest makeup hair and dresses ive ever seen. I cant imagine how some women think that layering 15lbs of makeup and glitter, and wearing dresses that literally blind me with colors and beads automatically means that they look good. The wedding was entirely women, regardless my dress covered me from head to toe, and have never felt so sexy. Well- maybe on a few occasions :p

As ive mentioned before, I still feel like an observer and never part of the crowd. These people come from a completely diffent background. I do identify with it, and understnad it. Yet- I dont feel like I am striving to live up to any standards etc. I am glad that I can still be myself here. It took me some time to establish this to others. It didnt matter. Naturally, we are happier when we are true to ourselves.

The bride walked in looking like a Swarovski goddess. She was so nervous, as cameras and projectors were all on her. She wasnt smiling- just thinking about tripping, or the trail of her dres being in line. She literally looked like a dear in headlights.
I usually get emotional at weddings- even if I dont know the bride or her family. This time- I didnt feel a thing... Until I saw the brides sisters hug and greet her, and help her carry the trail of her dress. They were in tears, and all I could think of was my mother... and my sisters.

My very good friend of royalty invited me to her private beach the other day. When we arrived, I thought I had walked into a scene of the OC, or Nip Tuck, or or or or !!!! (ive never watched the OC-its the first thing that came to my mind :p) The beach house, which mind you, no one lives there on a daily basis- was ginormous. the back of the house has a pool a huge foyer that couuld easily hold over 1000 people. It looks over the top of the mountain, and below is the whitest sand and beach ive seen in Oman. the tide was high and the waves were rising. its completely isolated and the silence there is deafening. The crashing of waves on the rocks is all you hear, and the sun setting in the horizon is all you see - as if coming straight out of a Monet painting.

The water was cool, as I sat there staring at the sand, I noticed microscopic creatures lurking in the sand. If you stare hard enough you see that moist sand is constantly moving.

The water and sand gave me better exfoliation than I could have ever gotten at the worlds greatest spa.

I had lunch buffet at the Intercontinental hotel with my dad this past weekend. Specifically so I could eat raw fish. Dipped in soy sauce and a tad of horseradish, along with caviar and salmon eggs. My dad and I dont usually eat this extravagantly, but we deserved a treat.- Making sure that we got our moneys worth. It was a pretty penny!

Dad is doing well. Its rare that we get emotional about my late mother together. But we both know that we are thinking of her always. Its just one of those things that are unsaid, and deeply felt. But sometimes, the flood gates open.

My time here has been fulfilling as I have decided to take back my world view of positivity, enlightenment, love, and acceptance.

I always have more, im saving it for later.

Love and Loyalty,

The Bastard of Istanbul

2008-06-11T21:21:00.004+04:00

I recently read this passage that I liked and thought was superbly written. I cant fully grasp its impact until I write it down. Maybe then I can experience its brilliance once more.

Pg. 72 , from the Novel The Bastard of Istanbul by Elif Shafak

Ten Years ago Auntie Zeliha had opened up a tatoo parlor, where she had started to develop a collection of original designs. In addition to the classics of the art-crimson roses, iridescent butterflies,hearts pumped with love- and the usual compilation of hairy insects, fierce wolves, and giant spiders. She had introduced her own designs inspired by one basic principle: contradiction. There were faces half masculine half feminine, bodies half animal half human, treese half blossomed , half dry... However, her designs were not popular. The customers wanted to make a statement through their tatoos.not to add another ambiguity to their already uncertain lives. their tatoos had to express a simple emotion. not an abstract thought. Learning her lesson well, Zeliha had then launched a new series, a compound collection of images, which she entitled " the management of abiding heartache."

Every tattoo in this special collection was designed to address one person only: the ex- love. the dumped and the despondent, the hurt and the irate brought a picture of the ex love they had wanted to banish from their lives forever but somehow could not stop loving. Auntie Zeliha then studied the picture and ransacked her brain until she found which particular animal that person resembled. The rest was relatively easy.She would draw that animal and then tattoo the design on the desolate customers body. The whole practice adhered to the ancient shamanistic practice of simultaneouly internalizing and externalizing ones totems. To strengthen vis-a`-vis your antagonistic you had to accept, welcome, and then transform it. The ex love was interiorized - injected into the body and yet at the same time exteriorized- left outside the skin. Once the x lover was located in this threshold between inside and outside, and deftly transformed into an animal, the power structure between the dumped and the dumper changed. Now the tatooed lover felt superior , as if the key to the ex lovers soul was in his or her hands. as soon as this stage was reached, the ex love lost his or her appeal.those suffering from abiding heartache could finally let go of their obsession, for love loves power. That is why we can suicidally fall in love with others but can rarely reciprocate the love of those suicidally in love with us.

Television Rules the Nation

2008-06-09T09:16:00.003+04:00

I am at a point when I know that no matter what your environment dictates. You ALWAYS have a choice. It is a choice to succeed. It is a choice to make money.It is a choice to be happy. and making bad choices- is also a bad choice.

I had been very unhappy here. Without the bad days, a person doesnt get to have an inside view of themselves. Life can force you to evaluate yourself and your environment. Im not the type to settle- take chances, break the rules and your life becomes so much more rewarding and fulfilling.

There is a difference between being obnoxious and rebellious. Putting the two together can only make a person more miserable. We cant deny what kind of world we live in. A mature person who is rebellious for his benefit has taken the time of his bad days and transformed it into something good by making wise and smart choices.

Have faith, love yourself, and keep moving forward.(not backwards) :p

Always,
M

60,000 Thoughts per Day

2008-06-01T22:22:00.004+04:00

I dont have much energy now regardless of the Red Bull I downed about an hour ago.

Bullet Points

My boss was back in the office today after being gone for two weeks.

Sitting in an office for 8 hours a day is completely draining.

The SECRET is a bunch of recycled bullshit.

the house is either freezing cold or hellish hot.

my boss has an inferiroty complex.

arabs can be seriously incompetent.

businesses here are consistently inconsistent.

I am drinking a lot of club soda and fake beer. aka, Malt beverages.

My kittens have a lot of attitude. They broke my lamp.

I stole a list of contacts of Top Dog business cards here in OMAN.

Making a power point presentation is the easiest bunch of crap that I can pull out of .... *sigh*

People here need to grow some brains and stop being spoiled brats.

I cant get the damn English accent out of my freekin head.

Id rather struggle hard and be happy, then be happy and too comfortable.

People can go to grocery stores here just to hang out.

I have actually become a reader. aka. dork.

I made the sickest Fettucine Alfredo today.

My boss has an inferiority complex; lol - I know.

Everyone is trying to make money.

Organizing a fashion show costs a helluva lot of money.

Today, I saw real live slavery in the fields.

I'm much more talented than this.

Being obnoxious is a result of your environment- sometimes.

Egyptian kids and their parents much more annoying that I had originally thought.

TV here is all an ego competition. No One seems real!

Im starting to like the VIEW - for goodness sakes.

Im remembering falling asleep on my couch in my apartment and waking up with dry eyes.

Indians are smart, but they need to talk slower

The desert is mighty brown, and the mountains are so high.

Mosques and a mountain view is an uplifting sight.

Please start using the English Language properly.

If I hear the word rubbish, or bloody one more time----!

American brands should have stayed in America

I have too many shoes.

I have lots of stories to tell.

Im not sleepy, but so tired.

These are some of the random thoughts that im sure ive bored you with.
I have no energy to be articulate tonight. My boss sucks it out, swallows it - never to be seen again. Im looking for something else.

peace, love, happiness. - not drugs, or booze.

Love you.

Two Weeks Overdue

2008-05-26T22:35:00.002+04:00

I have been here for a little over two weeks now. I have been itching to write about my everyday experiences, but it seems that every time I try and do so, I get distracted by something else. Something shinier, possibly :p

I have so many interesting encounters with the people, and places I see in Oman. I want to share them with you, and to document them myself. This is important in achieving a goal here that is slow and ongoing. And that is- discovering who you are on earth , and how your experiences shape who you become.

Sometimes, when you see something in print, you realize what your thoughts really are, and not what you think they are. Writing allows people to organize, and compartmentalize their ideas and beliefs.

While Im thinking of it, its always important to make a first draft, and before something dreadful happens to a long thought out post- im going to save it in Microsoft Word. I know this has happened to everyone at least once.

Now that my thoughts have been interrupted I can quickly jot down the random days that I have had in the past two weeks that I have been meaning to write about.

Last week, a co worker and I went to a very secluded and hidden Hookah bar. I thought I was walking into what looked like a brothel. It was in a remote back door of a shopping center. We had to climb three floors of UN air-conditioned, and unlit stairs. I couldn’t even see the place when we walked in because the entire room was filled with hookah smoke. Surprisingly, it was packed with people. It was during our lunch hour. As I was told by my co worker. This is a place that people only know about by word of mouth. Couples come here to hide away; women and young people come here so they can smoke really cheap sheesha for 1 Omani Rial – the cheapest you can find in Oman, and so that the women can smoke without any shame.

In most places in the gulf, its doesn’t “look nice” for “Khaleeji” (Khaleej means The Gulf in Arabic) girls to smoke a hookah because of the cultural expectation that women should always be lady like. This is especially true if she is wearing abaya and covering her hair.

I didn’t try the hookah- but their Chicken Shawerma was really good and at a decent price. The place is run by Egyptians. I could not help but to wonder why the hell they are so secluded? They must be hiding from something… but maybe that’s just my American skepticism about e v e r y t h i n g .

It was an interesting experience to say the least, I did enjoy myself. We made it back to the office an hour and a half later. Boss wasn’t there- So I guess it didn’t matter 

Work is slow in the summer here. Most people leave the country because of the unbearable heat. Most days I find that im not motivated to work. I have to talk myself into actually caring. The work ethic takes a fake authoritative position when it comes to employee/ employer relationship.

I find that those in charge have to pretend to be boss like. I also feel they suffer from some kind of inferiority complex. Therefore, constantly dumping work on others justifies their position as boss, because they have more important things to do, or because they want to show that they know better than others. Bla blab la… Im not too concerned.

Did I ever tell you that I love peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches? Oh and soy milk? ----Yea- I know!

Anyway…….

A friend and I went to a restaurant called Darcy’s Kitchen. It’s supposed to be an Irish kitchen. All the employees were Asian and they hadn’t the slightest idea about the menu, or what authentic Irish food is. This did not surprise me. The chef was Indian. I thought about contacting the owner of Darcy’s kitchen Oman for about 1.5 seconds. Then I tasted the steak and the thought disappeared.

The heat here is ridiculous. Its only May and im hearing about how “this is nothing” Today the temperature was 111 degrees Fahrenheit.

Driving is not so much fun when you have to blast the AC and sweat the entire drive home. I have to park my car in an uncovered area. It’s inevitable that it will be hot for a while. I tried covering it, but the cover was too flimsy and I don’t have the energy in the morning to pull out a huge plastic cover and put it over the entirety of my – well, small VW Polo GTI.  So now I use the simpler version of a windshield visor.

I adopted two kittens from a shelter yesterday!! Surprisingly I found the place rather easily. I trusted my instinct when I took directions from the German woman over the phone. I can’t mapquest the address so she had to describe the area to me. I was so happy for myself when I found it! I usually get lost when it comes to others giving directions around here. The roads are all roundabouts, few traffic lights and there are not very specific street names. They do exist, but no one uses them, or knows them. People simply go by “you know where this place is? And that one place…” Im making perfect sense I know :p

You get my drift.

The kittens are adorable. I can go on and on about this. But the few outstanding points about the shelter. It’s only known by word of mouth. You cannot look this place up. It is run by foreigners entirely. – And by foreigners I mean, Europeans. Don’t forget this is the Middle East. In America, the foreigners are US! THE ARABS! :p

It’s a clinic and a shelter. You adopt for free. All the animals are vaccinated and neutered or spayed. They have dogs and cats. Many of the cats were rescued. One of them is entirely blind. With no eyes. The veterinarian had to have them removed because they were so infected when she was brought in. I really had to evaluate myself when I realized that no matter how affectionate and smart this cat was, I didn’t want it. Hmm…

Now I have two very loving kittens. They think I am their mother and they follow me everywhere in the house. One of them insists on sleeping in the crook of my neck and shoulder and no where else…  its fun to watch them play and they bring me joy.

Most people here who are of the upper crest of society have maids. A good friend of mine just recently moved into a castle. When I say castle I am not exaggerating. I want you to close your eyes and imagine the long marble hallways with doors on both sides that you can only see in, well- CASTLES. Her bedroom is the size of my old apartment times 10. Again, im not making this up.

She was complaining to me about how she had a temper tantrum with her maid. She mistakenly opened a box that was supposed to go to charity, and put away the things that- im sure looked new- back into her room. My friend was explaining to me how she opened her cupboards and saw those things back in her closet. She had a complete tantrum and yelled at the maid. She made her cry. Upon listening to this story, I could only laugh. She was damn serious. But I had to laugh. If you know me at all, you would know why I had to do this. She kept insisting that her maid had no business in opening the box etc.

I tried to imagine myself in that situation. I would have little to no reaction, and I would simply put the things away and tell her that those things were not meant to go back, and that they were for charity. Bottom line. End of story.

I won’t even get started on the rest of the other details.

My days are interesting everyday, because I have taken the role of an observer. I refuse to get emotional about the injustices I witness, or the lifestyle, etc. I am simply an onlooker. It doesn’t have to affect me. I have total control ;)

I miss home and I think about you everyday.

Love,
MY